I was hungry. I was at work, and needed something fast and cheap. And sometimes I just want a plain, ordinary, not fancy bean burrito from Taco Bell. So, off I went.
Now everyone knows that there are always at least two driveways one can use to get into the drivethru line. This day, I took the long route, through the parking lot, kind of slow, to avoid people and cars...no real burrito emergency. I was in a good mood. I was happy.
I arrived in the line. Now, I did see the big, giant, oversized, gas guzzling, Cadillac Escalade coming in the short route. But, I was already in the line. And we all know that the long line in the drivethru gets first crack at the line. It's the drivethru protocol.
Well, the woman behind the wheel didn't think so. She was in a big hurry. And she was pissed. She honked at me, not just once, but a bunch. I decided, at this point not to get angry, not yet...I was in a good mood, remember? I went ahead and said that I was sorry through the window. She just looked mad...there was no, "that's ok, then" wave...nothing. Ok, crazy lady, whatever...I shrugged it off, even then, even still.
I finished pulling into line, when the jeep in front moved a bit. The lady got even more angry and began to honk furiously and fast. She honked and honked and honked. Ok, when you're already in the line, who in the hell, is going to pull back out of line cause you think you should get the space. Who is going to do that?!? NO ONE!!!!! "My bad, you go ahead, I insist." Never going to happen.
She continued to honk sooooo much that the man in the jeep in front of me, yelled out his window. "SHUTTTTTT-UPPPPP!!!!!!!!"
The Caddie woman yelled back, pointing at me, saying that she just wanted me to know that I had taken her turn. She just wanted me to know that. Ok, at this point, with the honking we ALL got it. Point made, point taken. Nothing to do about it. We ALL got it.
I have to admit I was a bit taken aback.
I asked her, in a calm, matter of fact voice, if she was starting a fight with me over a burrito. If this was what was going to happen. That we were actually going to have a fight in the Taco Bell drive thru. (The jeep guy started laughing. I'll admit it was funny, but no need to egg Caddie along.)
She replied in honks. She honked some more and some more. And she yelled again, telling me and jeep guy, that I was a bitch, and a horrible driver, but mostly a fucking bitch. Pointing and pointing and honking.
Ok, at this point, I am starting to get angry. But, the whole thing is so completely stupid that I couldn't even really bring myself to fight her. Because, then, I really am involved in a burrito fight. I choke back the anger. I tried to be really Zen about it. I tried to feel sorry for her. Who does this sort of thing? Maybe you're bored in life. OR maybe you're really that fucking crazy. Yes, I felt very sorry for her.
My other thought was, how do you know I'm not crazy? What if I just get out of my Honda Civic and go back there and pop a cap in your ass? That kind of thing does happen. Granted I know that I don't look like I have that much street cred with my Honda, briefcase, and my cane, but you don't know. Why risk it over a burrito?!? Why risk it?!?
So, I didn't responded. But, she just couldn't let go. Every time the line moved up an inch, she would pretend threaten my car with her's, moving right to a millimeter from my bumper. Tapping her well manicured nails on the steering wheel. That whole "I'm gonna' do it...I'm gonna' mess up my big, ass Caddie...I'm gonna' do it. I really am. You better believe it. I'm gonna' do it."
Well, do it already fucker. Most real people with any balls would just do it. So, I was getting mad that she was such a pussy about her infringed upon rights to get a fucking bean burrito ten seconds faster. Stupid Caddie pussy...that's what you are. I did really try, deep in my heart of hearts to let this go. Poor crazy, fucked up, sad Caddie lady.
Well, since I didn't really respond, we went back to honking. And jeep guy yelled shut up again. She called me a bitch again, inching up the Caddie, again.
Finally, I did respond. And it wasn't really as cool as I could have and deeply, at this point, wanted to make it.
I told her that there wasn't much I could do. I asked her if she would like me to place her order for her, right after mine. I could take care of that part for her. I asked her if that would help her. What could I do? She looked at me, angry, and moved up her Caddie. I sighed.
All I could say, in a calm, matter of fact voice; "You're an Asshole." "What?", she said. "You're an asshole. You really are.", I sighed, "There's nothing I can do. You're an asshole." I said.
Jeep Guy started laughing again. (At least someone was being entertained at the expense of my nice lunch and possible car bumper.)
My good mood was now gone. My break in the car was gone. I was just stuck in an asshole in a Caddie, up my butt, in the Taco Bell line. It felt like I would never get my burrito. It felt like, if I made it out of this burrito line alive, I would really have accomplished something for the day. My head began to throb. I just wanted on $ .69 burrito, nothing fancy or complicated, just that. And it was looking like it would just never happen for me.
She honked through me trying to order, but I and the Taco Bell drivethru attendant somehow managed. She placed her order without a honk.(Imagine that.)
Somewhere between the first and second drivethru windows, I think she gave up, or at least, relented a bit. She still looked pissed. I did wonder if she was going to follow me and this would become more drastic. But, really, I didn't think so. Girls like her don't mess up their Caddies and their nails, no matter how much money they have. Plus, she was ever so close to getting her lunch, her own burrito, that perhaps the thought of all that melted cheese by-product and reconstituted bean paste calmed her, lulled her claws back in. Hard to say.
I've been in fights my whole life. Part of the small town creed. But, I have never started a fight in a drivethru line of a fast food restaurant. Is this a sign of our impending demise from their imminent take over? I ate my burrito, but I was not comforted. I was just over stimulated and left without release. Shocked. What was supposed to be a good thing, lay in ruins in the bottom of the take out bag. It had all been for nothing.
Maybe in another time I would have kicked her ass. I still want to. Amidst the soiled napkins and Taco Bell Fire Sauce packets, at the bottom of my Honda Civic floorboard, you will find that longing.
And, if you're reading this Caddie Bell...well...You're Still an Asshole. Fucker.
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