My mother is a paranoid schizophrenic.
It has taken me a long time to say that phrase outloud to people. In movies they often glorify this disease, missing the point and true horror and humor of it all. I'm still waiting for the documentary. My mother could have been a good mother, maybe one of the best. I sometimes catch glances of it, just sometimes.
I used to be so embarrassed by her. I still am sometimes. But, then again, who isn't embarrassed by their mothers at times. I'm not abnormal in that.
She used to beat the shit out of me when I was little. I am amazed that I was so sturdy. I look at my own child, and could never do those things, as he's my beautiful little man. But, I'm not schizophrenic, either. I used to hear her, late at night, and I knew that it would be starting. I would always do the same thing. I would get up, and slide pj feet to her, and smooth her hair, making promises that it would be alright, and I would be the best kid ever. I promised.
Yeah, I get it that it's not my fault. And I get it that I'm not the best kid ever either. But, I'm not here today to share too much therapy shit with everyone. So, don't get on the feeling sorry for me horse. Please, just don't do that. Rarely do I let people into that place, so it's a waste of your personal time to try to get it. Everyone has their secret places. This is one of mine and it's well guarded. (I'm smiling at this part.)
As my mother tells it, those times never happened, and the great, giant machine of "they" got to me and put these memories in my head. Always with the "theys" and the "thems". Sometimes it was even ME that did those things. She doesn't often take that route, but sometimes.
I don't often talk about it outloud. People don't really get it. It's a far fetched reality for the average joe. Beyond comprehension. I think most people miss the difference of when I'm trying to work something out about mom, and when I'm just venting. And sometimes, she's just funny, really funny, and I need to talk about that,too. But, most people can't even see the humor of my mother. So, it's just me and a few other people who share this secret joke.
Several people often make the suggestion of therapy for myself. I did that. And some things can't be whisked away by therapy. What I've found instead, is that my mom is a constant. And it will always be a constant. And what I think, is that it's okay to have some constants in yourself that aren't pretty or safe or happy. Those things are part of us as well. You just have to be careful not to drown in them. That's when you go to therapy.
She's gotten worse over the years. Sometimes she gets arrested and goes to the State Hospital. However, the laws are set up to take care of the mentally ill person's rights. I think this might have been a double edged sword. (aren't all swords double edged?!) The local Governments aren't responsible to the mentally ill anymore, because we have had to preserve their rights. No one wants to pay for them. But, then everyone complains that they do criminal acts and run amuck being crazy and making people uncomfortable. Well, we can't have it both ways.
Should it really be my sole responsibility to take care of my mother? Well, news flash to the public...I can't take care of my mom. And I don't really want to, she's a big pain in the ass. She's a giant pain in the ass. Her disease really just is that bad. I do not have the physical, emotional, or monetarial means in which to do so.
It's not my fault or responsibility to have been born to a crazy person. Maybe, someone should have gotten to her before she fucked my dad. How about that idea?!?
If we're all going to give everyone equal rights, one of those rights, is to fuck. We can't just make the kids of these people automatically responsible for the crazy person's shit. We can't just make strange support groups, or shake our heads saying how sad it is, etc. That's fucking stupid and insulting and annoying.
I don't cut my mother off completely, she is my mom. But, I,now, just send her a little money when I have it for her to go to Wal-Mart. My mother loves to shop. Paranoid Schizophrenics are a very decadent sort. Always buying stuff and more stuff. My mother has piles and stacks of shit in her home, in a couple of storage units. Piles and piles of just shit. Schizophrenics always live beyond their means. She has a hard time getting it that she's on permanent disability and that's all she's got. She tried to by a giant Caddie once, fully loaded. I have to give her props for that one.
And I wait. I wait for the call. The call will be that she's dead or locked up. That is how this will end. Maybe she'll just hurt herself, that would be ideal. But, there is a bigger chance that she will hurt someone else. She may be locked up for good, or maybe the cops will shoot her. Hard to predict, but the outcome of my mother's life will be that she will not die in her sleep, she will not go quietly. I can predict that. Yes, I can predict that.
And today, she's off her meds again. Last time she was arrested by the local sheriff's department and hauled off to the nut house, she put of quite a fight. She bit a cop. He will bare the scar of my mother's teeth. I think that's part of their compensation package. She's a bit of a local celebrity. He's lucky. He will have a story to tell. On a personal note, it is kind of cool that she can get away with doing things like that. Last time I got a speeding ticket, I would have felt better if I could have bitten the cop that wrote it. But, alas, I do not have that luxury.
Today, she's called me thirty times in about an hour. Just this morning. They are all the same calls. This time her state legislature voted her in as a felon, although she has yet to find the paperwork to prove it, but she assures me that she will, and that's why she had to pay more to renew her license. And the whole nation is in on it. And there's complete anarchy everywhere, and everyone around her has been prostituting themselves out for their rent. (Which could be her, too, for all I know. I try not to think about that.) And the government is supposed to give out masks to protect us all from germy bad breath and she hasn't received her's yet, so it's just another big clue in the giant cog of her demise. They are out to get her.
I could go on, but you'd just get freaked out.
Schizophrencis can make the most astounding connections in their heads. Their imaginations are so vivid and intricate, it's amazing. It's as though their minds just go so fast that is the reason they break. If one were to look close, maybe there would be smoke coming out of their ears. Maybe if we looked that close.
Lightening fast images and sounds, and broken bit of stored information. She's very educated, my mother. She could have been a contender. However, her education and her smarts make her for a bigger more manipulative pain in the ass instead. (I sigh.) Sometimes, I can't keep up, and don't even try, it's all gibberish anyway. But, it's fast and furious gibberish.
Sometimes she just screams and tears stuff up. And she always ends her calls by saying, "Ok, talk to you later, I love you. Goodbye." She always says that, she remembers to say that.
I can't listen for very long. I'll listen a few times, then I have to tell her that I'm hanging up, and the machine is going to get the rest of her calls. After the machine fills up, I erase the messages without listening to them. That's our relationship. She talks nonsense and I erase the messages.
We are as honest as we can be with eachother. When my son was born, my mother very timidly asked me if she could ever hold him or even babysit him. I told her, "No Mom. That won't happen for us." She was a bit quiet, but didn't argue. I know sometimes she knows she's nuts. She didn't fight me about it. I do send her pictures and tell her stories. But, that's all we can have on that. My son will not be apart of that world for now. I can be a good mom and protect him from that. I brought him here, and I own him big time.
If she survives until he's older, until he can protect himself, I can try to explain, and he can make his own choice. But, in the case of my mother and I and my son, we have to loose those formative years. Sometimes, I do get very sad about that. Who wouldn't? But, right now, never these two will meet. That part of my life has to be in two different parts. Yes, I will admit, that is very, very sad.
I saw, on TV, the other day, a court case involving children and their schizophrenic mother. The mother killed three out of her five children. Two survived.
I always find it so weird that people in court have to decide if the woman or any other crazy person, was truly nuts and incompetent when she hacked up her kids. My mother knows the difference of right from wrong. But, can she control her urges? No, she can't. She is completely nuts. I watched the experts try to explain, and I watched the lawyers ask their questions, and I watched the jury's faces. This women will probably go to jail, instead of the nut house. In the case of schizophrenics, they do know right from wrong, but that doesn't mean that they can function and control themselves and act appropriately.
And I do feel for my mother. She doesn't like to take the medications. They make her feel numb. They do horrible damage to her body. I get it. The drugs are a shitty, shitty, shitty alternative to being able to live. Is it fair to ask someone to stop living all together for our safety? It is a valid question. Would any of us do that for society? People in power often do not give up something for the good of society, so why should my mother have to? Yeah, sit and comtemplate that one for a minute.
If the President doesn't give a shit about society, well, maybe Mom should either. He's certainly not above my own mother.
In watching the court case, they all really had no idea, the whole lot of them. I think they would do better to have people who have been living with crazy people as expert witnesses. This woman did a horrible crime, three of her children are dead, and she has to be locked up for sure, but not in jail. The law is a little gray. A person can still know right from wrong and not be able to act accordingly.
Especially if God is whispering in your ear and the Government, Aliens, and your neighbors are out to get you. What?!? Are you kidding me?!?
So, today, I wait till my answering machine finishes filling up again. I'll erase the messages and wait for the call from sheriff's department, if it comes. Sometimes, I have to dig around to find out where she's at, because of the HIPPA laws. My son and I are going shopping for new pants and have lunch. I'll do my laundry, and clean up the kitchen. Maybe we'll watch a movie, maybe I'll have a nap.
It has taken me a long time to say that phrase outloud to people. In movies they often glorify this disease, missing the point and true horror and humor of it all. I'm still waiting for the documentary. My mother could have been a good mother, maybe one of the best. I sometimes catch glances of it, just sometimes.
I used to be so embarrassed by her. I still am sometimes. But, then again, who isn't embarrassed by their mothers at times. I'm not abnormal in that.
She used to beat the shit out of me when I was little. I am amazed that I was so sturdy. I look at my own child, and could never do those things, as he's my beautiful little man. But, I'm not schizophrenic, either. I used to hear her, late at night, and I knew that it would be starting. I would always do the same thing. I would get up, and slide pj feet to her, and smooth her hair, making promises that it would be alright, and I would be the best kid ever. I promised.
Yeah, I get it that it's not my fault. And I get it that I'm not the best kid ever either. But, I'm not here today to share too much therapy shit with everyone. So, don't get on the feeling sorry for me horse. Please, just don't do that. Rarely do I let people into that place, so it's a waste of your personal time to try to get it. Everyone has their secret places. This is one of mine and it's well guarded. (I'm smiling at this part.)
As my mother tells it, those times never happened, and the great, giant machine of "they" got to me and put these memories in my head. Always with the "theys" and the "thems". Sometimes it was even ME that did those things. She doesn't often take that route, but sometimes.
I don't often talk about it outloud. People don't really get it. It's a far fetched reality for the average joe. Beyond comprehension. I think most people miss the difference of when I'm trying to work something out about mom, and when I'm just venting. And sometimes, she's just funny, really funny, and I need to talk about that,too. But, most people can't even see the humor of my mother. So, it's just me and a few other people who share this secret joke.
Several people often make the suggestion of therapy for myself. I did that. And some things can't be whisked away by therapy. What I've found instead, is that my mom is a constant. And it will always be a constant. And what I think, is that it's okay to have some constants in yourself that aren't pretty or safe or happy. Those things are part of us as well. You just have to be careful not to drown in them. That's when you go to therapy.
She's gotten worse over the years. Sometimes she gets arrested and goes to the State Hospital. However, the laws are set up to take care of the mentally ill person's rights. I think this might have been a double edged sword. (aren't all swords double edged?!) The local Governments aren't responsible to the mentally ill anymore, because we have had to preserve their rights. No one wants to pay for them. But, then everyone complains that they do criminal acts and run amuck being crazy and making people uncomfortable. Well, we can't have it both ways.
Should it really be my sole responsibility to take care of my mother? Well, news flash to the public...I can't take care of my mom. And I don't really want to, she's a big pain in the ass. She's a giant pain in the ass. Her disease really just is that bad. I do not have the physical, emotional, or monetarial means in which to do so.
It's not my fault or responsibility to have been born to a crazy person. Maybe, someone should have gotten to her before she fucked my dad. How about that idea?!?
If we're all going to give everyone equal rights, one of those rights, is to fuck. We can't just make the kids of these people automatically responsible for the crazy person's shit. We can't just make strange support groups, or shake our heads saying how sad it is, etc. That's fucking stupid and insulting and annoying.
I don't cut my mother off completely, she is my mom. But, I,now, just send her a little money when I have it for her to go to Wal-Mart. My mother loves to shop. Paranoid Schizophrenics are a very decadent sort. Always buying stuff and more stuff. My mother has piles and stacks of shit in her home, in a couple of storage units. Piles and piles of just shit. Schizophrenics always live beyond their means. She has a hard time getting it that she's on permanent disability and that's all she's got. She tried to by a giant Caddie once, fully loaded. I have to give her props for that one.
And I wait. I wait for the call. The call will be that she's dead or locked up. That is how this will end. Maybe she'll just hurt herself, that would be ideal. But, there is a bigger chance that she will hurt someone else. She may be locked up for good, or maybe the cops will shoot her. Hard to predict, but the outcome of my mother's life will be that she will not die in her sleep, she will not go quietly. I can predict that. Yes, I can predict that.
And today, she's off her meds again. Last time she was arrested by the local sheriff's department and hauled off to the nut house, she put of quite a fight. She bit a cop. He will bare the scar of my mother's teeth. I think that's part of their compensation package. She's a bit of a local celebrity. He's lucky. He will have a story to tell. On a personal note, it is kind of cool that she can get away with doing things like that. Last time I got a speeding ticket, I would have felt better if I could have bitten the cop that wrote it. But, alas, I do not have that luxury.
Today, she's called me thirty times in about an hour. Just this morning. They are all the same calls. This time her state legislature voted her in as a felon, although she has yet to find the paperwork to prove it, but she assures me that she will, and that's why she had to pay more to renew her license. And the whole nation is in on it. And there's complete anarchy everywhere, and everyone around her has been prostituting themselves out for their rent. (Which could be her, too, for all I know. I try not to think about that.) And the government is supposed to give out masks to protect us all from germy bad breath and she hasn't received her's yet, so it's just another big clue in the giant cog of her demise. They are out to get her.
I could go on, but you'd just get freaked out.
Schizophrencis can make the most astounding connections in their heads. Their imaginations are so vivid and intricate, it's amazing. It's as though their minds just go so fast that is the reason they break. If one were to look close, maybe there would be smoke coming out of their ears. Maybe if we looked that close.
Lightening fast images and sounds, and broken bit of stored information. She's very educated, my mother. She could have been a contender. However, her education and her smarts make her for a bigger more manipulative pain in the ass instead. (I sigh.) Sometimes, I can't keep up, and don't even try, it's all gibberish anyway. But, it's fast and furious gibberish.
Sometimes she just screams and tears stuff up. And she always ends her calls by saying, "Ok, talk to you later, I love you. Goodbye." She always says that, she remembers to say that.
I can't listen for very long. I'll listen a few times, then I have to tell her that I'm hanging up, and the machine is going to get the rest of her calls. After the machine fills up, I erase the messages without listening to them. That's our relationship. She talks nonsense and I erase the messages.
We are as honest as we can be with eachother. When my son was born, my mother very timidly asked me if she could ever hold him or even babysit him. I told her, "No Mom. That won't happen for us." She was a bit quiet, but didn't argue. I know sometimes she knows she's nuts. She didn't fight me about it. I do send her pictures and tell her stories. But, that's all we can have on that. My son will not be apart of that world for now. I can be a good mom and protect him from that. I brought him here, and I own him big time.
If she survives until he's older, until he can protect himself, I can try to explain, and he can make his own choice. But, in the case of my mother and I and my son, we have to loose those formative years. Sometimes, I do get very sad about that. Who wouldn't? But, right now, never these two will meet. That part of my life has to be in two different parts. Yes, I will admit, that is very, very sad.
I saw, on TV, the other day, a court case involving children and their schizophrenic mother. The mother killed three out of her five children. Two survived.
I always find it so weird that people in court have to decide if the woman or any other crazy person, was truly nuts and incompetent when she hacked up her kids. My mother knows the difference of right from wrong. But, can she control her urges? No, she can't. She is completely nuts. I watched the experts try to explain, and I watched the lawyers ask their questions, and I watched the jury's faces. This women will probably go to jail, instead of the nut house. In the case of schizophrenics, they do know right from wrong, but that doesn't mean that they can function and control themselves and act appropriately.
And I do feel for my mother. She doesn't like to take the medications. They make her feel numb. They do horrible damage to her body. I get it. The drugs are a shitty, shitty, shitty alternative to being able to live. Is it fair to ask someone to stop living all together for our safety? It is a valid question. Would any of us do that for society? People in power often do not give up something for the good of society, so why should my mother have to? Yeah, sit and comtemplate that one for a minute.
If the President doesn't give a shit about society, well, maybe Mom should either. He's certainly not above my own mother.
In watching the court case, they all really had no idea, the whole lot of them. I think they would do better to have people who have been living with crazy people as expert witnesses. This woman did a horrible crime, three of her children are dead, and she has to be locked up for sure, but not in jail. The law is a little gray. A person can still know right from wrong and not be able to act accordingly.
Especially if God is whispering in your ear and the Government, Aliens, and your neighbors are out to get you. What?!? Are you kidding me?!?
So, today, I wait till my answering machine finishes filling up again. I'll erase the messages and wait for the call from sheriff's department, if it comes. Sometimes, I have to dig around to find out where she's at, because of the HIPPA laws. My son and I are going shopping for new pants and have lunch. I'll do my laundry, and clean up the kitchen. Maybe we'll watch a movie, maybe I'll have a nap.
Later, I have to light a candle in secret. And, I'll make a wish, blow it out, and I'll wait for tomorrow.
Today is my mother's birthday.
Today is my mother's birthday.
What a way to spend your birthday.
Happy Birthday Mom. I love you, too. I'll talk to you later.
Goodbye.
6 comments:
My Mother was a paranoid schizophrenic as well, committing suicide about a year and a half ago. I have to say, your story rang so many memories...just remember to love her while she's still here.
My Mother was a paranoid schizophrenic as well, committing suicide about a year and a half ago. I have to say, your story rang so many memories...just remember to love her while she's still here.
God bless you!
The life of the mentally ill person isn't always just theirs right? Thank you for you comments. And hope all is well with all.
I am schizophrenic. Get your mom on an injection, specifically aristada. So this for her, her life will improve, she will kind of awaken out of the haze the other meds put her in. You will be safe and she will be able to live again, truly live. I still see all the things I saw in psychosis I just know now not to discuss those things and can separate what is real to most people from what is real just in my and other schizophrenic worlds.
Your mom... Bless her sounds like a handful. I am too. I just can't stand to be called a liar or people not listen to me when I talk. That is annoying. I might be dcussing something that is truly happening and important yet no one listens. So frustrating.
I have kids by the way but I never spank them ever. We decided my illness.does enough damage to them that I do not spank them. It's easy not to spank them. I don't know why others would want to beat their children. But who knows what.was going through you mom's head. Only her and even then she probably couldn't sort out the information correctly at that time.
Right from wrong. Ya I know what's right and wrong and I know it's wrong to through schizophrenics to the streets and say good fucking luck. That is the wrong and worst thing we could do as a society. Do not let your mom be homeless on the streets, she housed you as a child despite her illness probably doing everything she could to ensure you had shelter. Or maybe she didn't and that sucks but being homeless severely sucks. It just does. Make sure she has a home it doesn't have to be yours.
Given this is 12 years later I can only imagine wherenyour Mon is now and where your at in life and that son of yours is almost grown. Crazy how the past comes back to you when you least expect it.
Schizophrenics are not that dangerous. We just be talking about weird stuff really weird stuff and everyone shuts is down and kicks us out of places. We all here in America should have freedom of speech which is essentially freedom of thought. Everyone gets that basic right except schizophrenics. I thought about letting the government about it but who is going to listen to me? No one that's who because I am not a reliable source or credible because of the illness, you know. Bit freedom of thought is a basic right that is denied to us because our thoughts go to a dark, twisty place no one wants to explore.
I didn't want to explore it either, trust me I knew a dark creavise in my mind existed and tried my best to avoid it then the disease hit and it resulted in a decrease.in inhibition of my brain that resulted in the dark place guiding my words and actions for awhile. We all have a dark place within our mind, imagine if yours controlled every action and word you said for the rest of your life. It's terrible.
Get your mom on an injection and do it asap. She will be better perhaps even funny again. If she has humor then maybe she laugh off the years she spent in a non-lucid semi-homeless state that resulted in the loss of everything she ever accomplished. I couldn't laugh it off but maybe she can. I doubt it though. You'll be left with a bitter lady who knows the world was against her because of a disease and set her up to never exist within their system or reality because of the illness. And that's a hard pill to swallow, harder than the psych pills she wouldn't take years ago!
Enjoy your day. Good luck in life. Injection for mom is a must.
I am schizophrenic. Get your mom on an injection, specifically aristada. So this for her, her life will improve, she will kind of awaken out of the haze the other meds put her in. You will be safe and she will be able to live again, truly live. I still see all the things I saw in psychosis I just know now not to discuss those things and can separate what is real to most people from what is real just in my and other schizophrenic worlds.
Your mom... Bless her sounds like a handful. I am too. I just can't stand to be called a liar or people not listen to me when I talk. That is annoying. I might be dcussing something that is truly happening and important yet no one listens. So frustrating.
I have kids by the way but I never spank them ever. We decided my illness.does enough damage to them that I do not spank them. It's easy not to spank them. I don't know why others would want to beat their children. But who knows what.was going through you mom's head. Only her and even then she probably couldn't sort out the information correctly at that time.
Right from wrong. Ya I know what's right and wrong and I know it's wrong to through schizophrenics to the streets and say good fucking luck. That is the wrong and worst thing we could do as a society. Do not let your mom be homeless on the streets, she housed you as a child despite her illness probably doing everything she could to ensure you had shelter. Or maybe she didn't and that sucks but being homeless severely sucks. It just does. Make sure she has a home it doesn't have to be yours.
Given this is 12 years later I can only imagine wherenyour Mon is now and where your at in life and that son of yours is almost grown. Crazy how the past comes back to you when you least expect it.
Schizophrenics are not that dangerous. We just be talking about weird stuff really weird stuff and everyone shuts is down and kicks us out of places. We all here in America should have freedom of speech which is essentially freedom of thought. Everyone gets that basic right except schizophrenics. I thought about letting the government about it but who is going to listen to me? No one that's who because I am not a reliable source or credible because of the illness, you know. Bit freedom of thought is a basic right that is denied to us because our thoughts go to a dark, twisty place no one wants to explore.
I didn't want to explore it either, trust me I knew a dark creavise in my mind existed and tried my best to avoid it then the disease hit and it resulted in a decrease.in inhibition of my brain that resulted in the dark place guiding my words and actions for awhile. We all have a dark place within our mind, imagine if yours controlled every action and word you said for the rest of your life. It's terrible.
Get your mom on an injection and do it asap. She will be better perhaps even funny again. If she has humor then maybe she laugh off the years she spent in a non-lucid semi-homeless state that resulted in the loss of everything she ever accomplished. I couldn't laugh it off but maybe she can. I doubt it though. You'll be left with a bitter lady who knows the world was against her because of a disease and set her up to never exist within their system or reality because of the illness. And that's a hard pill to swallow, harder than the psych pills she wouldn't take years ago!
Enjoy your day. Good luck in life. Injection for mom is a must.
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