Dreams and the Dark Side

Having returned to work after knee surgery, I've found myself having recurring dreams and habits. I'm solving my moods with increasing chocolate ice cream.

Me thinks thou protests too much.

During my stay at home, being a gimp, I didn't really dream that much. Now, it's as though my dreams are calling to me, telling me secret information about myself. Last night's dream involved a shooting, dark passages behind a bathroom in a school, to a very brightly lit library filled with books and people and TVs, and even cops in dark suits. I was only welcome as a spectator and cautioned not to get involved. I watched one young man signing his life away to the dark side of tanning, botox injections, fancy cars and high tech gadgets. I kept thinking about a Cracker Barrel catalog that I had just gotten in the mail that had tempted me with the shiny ads full of unnecessary and overpriced crap. Then I woke up.

I've always been the stuborn type when it becomes making dreams into realities. Oh, how I love to comfort myself with my crap. I stay there and roll around in it. It's worse, I think, because I am a higher functioning crap artist. I am aware of my own crap.

I'm having little desire to create these days. It's as though I'm just mulling something over. But, it seems that I've been mulling this same something over for years. I am surrounded myself with people who really seem to know what they are, and what they go to work to do. I'm not feeling that so much for myself. So, I mull it over. And mulling is boring.

But today, I will still get dressed to go to the job that I hate, for the money that I have to have. That just seems so yucky this morning. I'm really having to push myself towards that. So, at least I have completely discovered and hope to soon eliminate that one thing.

I will continue to mull this over and search for a new job. And today I will try to incorporate some new good habits, instead of falling back into the ones that I had almost forgotten.

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

That is the question.

Did you expect my blog to be less self absorbed? Well, then you are seriously kidding yourself about the world of blogs a bit. Am I this way all the time. Probably.

I also saw twelve homeless people within one square block area yesterday. I counted. I don't have enough money to shell out twelve bucks a day. And it doesn't seem to be very good planning to stand in the same area as another homeless person. I would want my own area.

It seems to be an increasing problem, asking for handouts. I was homeless once, and I took my own share of handouts. But, you can't make a life out of it and get very far. Yesterday, I didn't give out anything. I don't have enough right now. And I do get a little worn out seeing the same face increasing. Part of me feels like, if my life has to be hard, and I have to go to work at a shitty job, well, so should everyone else. Yes, I know that some homeless people are mentally ill and have bad pasts, etc. But, sometimes, I don't have it in me to care. We have created a country where the poor support the poorer. And today, and this entire month, I don't have it. Perhaps, I'm mad that I don't have enough to share, too. Not being able to do that makes me cranky, I know. This had nothing to do with my first paragraphs, just a sidebar in my thinking.

Later.