Wind it up, so we can all watch the monkey dance. Yeah, I sometimes get that feeling...Unsure if I am the winder or the windee or the dancing monkey.
Okay, I get it. Sometimes people project their own failures or expectations on others. Sometimes I neither have the energy or the care to help someone see it really is them and not me. Sometimes I just want it to stop. I had a boss once, that every single evaluation he wrote up on me, EVERY SINGLE YEAR, he always gave me poor marks for not living up to my potential. he just made stuff up about my potential. I called him out on it.
I directly asked him if he was unsatisfied with the work I had been doing, the actual work that I had been hired to do.
He said, "No, You're doing a great job."
He said, "I think you are smart enough to be moving on and doing more." (Of course I am, isn't that everyone?)
I replied, "That the job isn't really where my life's interests lay, and I was actually quite happy where I was. So, why did he think it was okay to plan my career life for me?"
He told me, "Well if you're not going to plan for your future, someone should do it for you."
To which I replied, "I guess to be polite, I appreciate the sentiment and all, but I already had parents, and was now pretty much my own adult, who does have plans that maybe I just don't share with you. And just so we're clear, I don't need additional, unsolicited guidance in the form of a permanent record, and all this was actually complete bullshit."
He replied, "I will note your objections, but I'm not changing my review style."
I still moved up and got raises, maybe just not to where he thought I should go. I didn't want to end up drunk at work, sneaking off to golf or get a massage and take a Xanax or 3 to make it through the day. I just never wanted all that kind of fun...Nope, not for me. But, I continued to get shitty reviews and we never spoke about it again. Later, he would be pushed out/fired. Me, I would still worked there.
It was a fairly recent Wednesday during a week, and three different women visited me with a vicious need to talk to me about my dead relationship. Oh, for fuck's sake, I have already sobbed. I have already been angry. I have already removed my black veil and uncovered all the mirrors. I don't miss anything anymore.
Was I wiped out? Yeah for a chunk. But shit, no one died. And now I am quite busy. And I am mostly good. But, the other women, especially my own mother...They've just been endless on this week.
"I really thought he'd come back. I was just sure of it. Maybe he'll come back." That was the theme. Ugh! And when I said I didn't want him back, all I got was a flash flood of Tsk-Tsks.
My mother sent me lots of books and called to inform me that she's ordering a few more. She even gathered and sent magazine articles and carefully circled items, and folded pages to send on. I have quite the pile of shit, I'm never going to read started. Plus the guilt of my mother's wasted time weighing on my soul. It is always me, right mother? It is always my fault?Couldn't have been his. He's a god damned saint, and I'm still that project you started on all those years ago....Never satisfied that I am making any right choices, ever. When she kind of started to figure out that I really was broken up, she still wanted me to read it ALL, "for the next time, my next relationship". I will be donating it to some place for some other sod wanting unsolicited motherly advice.
Sure, I understand that she's trying to help...They are all just trying to help. And I understand that during their time, there was so much more sacrificing going on with the famine So much more work for those of us with a vagina then. Oh ladies, I'm never going to be that kind of woman. I'm never going to want to be apart of that old, repeated song and dance. It's just not in my make-up.
How about saying some of the things that I'd like to hear instead? How about that?
1. I know you've never needed anyone to pay for your stuff. You're strong like that. But, I hope a guy does something sweet for you like buy you dinner. So, don't ignore that, my darling. Everyone needs sweetness. You can buy the dinner next time, if you really feel the need to.
2. I think having a couple of whiskeys and playing cards late and for money would be great for you! Have a good time, I'll watch the kid, no problem.
3. No you don't have a wear another dress or a skirt - EVER to be recognized as a feminine woman. Besides, there may be a fence you have to hop. You just never do know. (Then maybe tells me a story of a fence hopped before that I didn't know about. I would love to be shocked and delighted by something like that. )
4. It's just fine that you put up your hair without brushing it. It's just fine, baby, that it smells like stale cigarette smoke and flowers. You're just to busy to worry about things like that right now.
5. Go ahead and have random sex with that guy. Just be sure he's clean and healthy and wears a condom. Oh, and don't bring him to your house, you do have your own child to think about and all. Just go to his house, and don't even tell him where you live and don't stay the night. Have a good time, my Love.
6. Yes, You are beautiful. And you are doing so good. I'm proud of you.
Not this particular week. Nope. Even dancing monkeys can have wishes.
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