Directing traffic

Yes, I received that angry text. Oh, it was angry.  It was a hash-mash of hot mess, filled with accusations and blaming, hurt, and violence.

I had to sit there for a few minutes.  I wasn't angry back.  I wasn't anything.  I just needed to figure out how to get back to the actual topic at hand.  There is real art in that, directing the traffic back to normal flow.  

Where did that come from?  Has it been there this whole time? This ability to direct without anger. 

It's not my job to make you understand.  It's not my job to help you.  Is it the relief of that?  Is that why I'm just not anything?

What a lesson to learn, even this late in my life.  Thank you.

Oh Satan, You're kind of a Buzz-kill.

Today, I have to decide whether or not to sign the permission slip from my kid's school, giving him actual permission to play "Role-Playing" Games.  He has joined the Role Playing Game Club. YES, I have to actually sign a PERMISSION SLIP.  lol. This decision is weighing on me so much...like a ton of bricks.  lol.

Let's review my own life, I grew up in a small town, where Catcher in the Rye was still banned, and my father had to order it for me, from the College bookstore. And where we had the Green stamps program from the local market.  It was given to me, as a job, to do every so often, spend an afternoon, licking or (when I finally figured it out) using a damp sponge to moisten the pile of Greenstamps and put them in the booklets.  I would get one book of my own, for every ten I finished.  THAT'S A LOT OF GREEN STAMPS.  These could be traded for items at the illustrious Green stamp Store for various goods and trinkets.   I worked for months and months to save up my booklets.  And when I finally thought I had enough, I asked to go to the Green stamp store.  It was to be a great day, that day.

Upon arrival, I scoured the shelves. I didn't need a coffee pot, or doily, or a toaster.  BUT: What did I find?  On a bottom shelf, covered in dust, sad and lonely, towards the back, one Dungeons and Dragons game.  This game was so popular; but also, completely forbidden by most in the area, because if you played it, Satan would come and get you in the middle of the night, and make you do horrible and unspeakable things, and you would surely end up burning in the fiery pits of Hell - forever. I considered my options.  I only had so many Green Stamps books, you know.  And it was kind of scary, right?!!?  It was Satan, THE SATAN, after all.  

What the hell.  I used my Green stamps to buy this game. I'm not sure if it was because I was really that interested in playing it...or, if I wanted to see if Satan would really come and actually visit me, or if I just wanted to do something others didn't think I should do...probably a little of all.  

What happened, you ask?  Well, I never played the game, I was too small to really understand what to do.  Satan did not ever visit me, not even a little bit. And I did feel pretty cool for doing what I wasn't supposed to...I did it, and nothing happened. And the box finally went to the trash or garage sale or something. All in all, it was kind of a let down. No Satan, no friends to play the game with, no more Green Stamps.  Yeah, bit of a let down.

So, as I sign my own son's "permission slip".  I kind of think it's funny that while Green stamps have long died off, the idea that a game could influence a person into something else still exists.

http://www.gnomestew.com/gming-advice/10-reasons-why-roleplaying-games-are-a-positive-force-for-kids-and-adults-alike/

Always the Pilot.

When I was about three years old, I used to play under the dinning room table with my large stuffed bear.  I would dress my bear in different very fancy outfits, scarfs, and jewelry stolen/borrowed from my mother's stash-collection.  I would move my small, pint sized rocker under the table and carefully place my well dressed bear in it. My mother would tell me later that I was always pretending that I was in a plane. And that I was the pilot and my bear was Jackie-O.   Sometimes we would have tea parties, too.  Those were never in the plane.  But, Jackie-O was always kind enough to let me attend all of her functions.

From idiom to cliche...as it was written before. Of that I'm sure of.

Wind it up, so we can all watch the monkey dance.  Yeah, I sometimes get that feeling...Unsure if I am the winder or the windee or the dancing monkey.  

Okay, I get it.  Sometimes people project their own failures or expectations on others. Sometimes I neither have the energy or the care to help someone see it really is them and not me.  Sometimes I just want it to stop.  I had a boss once, that every single evaluation he wrote up on me, EVERY SINGLE YEAR, he always gave me poor marks for not living up to my potential. he just made stuff up about my potential.  I called him out on it. 

 I directly asked him if he was unsatisfied with the work I had been doing, the actual work that I had been hired to do. 

 He said, "No, You're doing a great job."

 He said, "I think you are smart enough to be moving on and doing more."  (Of course I am, isn't that everyone?)

 I replied, "That the job isn't really where my life's interests lay, and I was actually quite happy where I was.  So, why did he think it was okay to plan my career life for me?"  

He told me, "Well if you're not going to plan for your future, someone should do it for you."

To which I replied, "I guess to be polite, I appreciate the sentiment and all, but I already had parents, and was now pretty much my own adult, who does have plans that maybe I just don't share with you.  And just so we're clear, I don't need additional, unsolicited guidance in the form of a permanent record, and all this was actually complete bullshit."

He replied, "I will note your objections, but I'm not changing my review style."

I still moved up and got raises, maybe just not to where he thought I should go.  I didn't want to end up drunk at work, sneaking off to golf or get a massage and take a Xanax or 3 to make it through the day. I just never wanted all that kind of fun...Nope, not for me. But, I continued to get shitty reviews and we never spoke about it again.  Later, he would be pushed out/fired.  Me, I would still worked there.

It was a fairly recent Wednesday during a week, and three different women  visited me with a vicious need to talk to me about my dead relationship.  Oh, for fuck's sake, I have already sobbed.  I have already been angry.  I have already removed my black veil and uncovered all the mirrors.  I don't miss anything anymore.

Was I wiped out?  Yeah for a chunk.  But shit, no one died. And now I am quite busy.  And I am mostly good.  But, the other women, especially my own mother...They've just been endless on this week.

"I really thought he'd come back.  I was just sure of it.  Maybe he'll come back."  That was the theme.  Ugh! And when I said I didn't want him back, all I got was a flash flood of Tsk-Tsks.

My mother sent me lots of books and called to inform me that she's ordering a few more. She even gathered and sent magazine articles and carefully circled items, and folded pages to send on.  I have quite the pile of shit, I'm never going to read started.  Plus the guilt of my mother's wasted time weighing on my soul.  It is always me, right mother?  It is always my fault?Couldn't have been his.  He's a god damned saint, and I'm still that project you started on all those years ago....Never satisfied that I am making any right choices, ever. When she kind of started to figure out that I really was broken up, she still wanted me to read it ALL, "for the next time, my next relationship".  I will be donating it to some place for some other sod wanting unsolicited motherly advice.  

Sure, I understand that she's trying to help...They are all just trying to help.  And I understand that during their time, there was so much more sacrificing going on with the famine  So much more work for those of us with a vagina then. Oh ladies, I'm never going to be that kind of woman. I'm never going to want to be apart of that old, repeated song and dance.  It's just not in my make-up.  

How about saying some of the things that I'd like to hear instead?  How about that?

1. I know you've never needed anyone to pay for your stuff.  You're strong like that.  But, I hope a guy does something sweet for you like buy you dinner.  So, don't ignore that, my darling. Everyone needs sweetness. You can buy the dinner next time, if you really feel the need to.

2. I think having a couple of whiskeys and playing cards late and for money would be great for you!  Have a good time, I'll watch the kid, no problem.

3. No you don't have a wear another dress or a skirt - EVER to be recognized as a feminine woman.  Besides, there may be a fence you have to hop.  You just never do know. (Then maybe tells me a story of a fence hopped before that I didn't know about. I would love to be shocked and delighted by something like that. )

4. It's just fine that you put up your hair without brushing it.  It's just fine, baby, that it smells like stale cigarette smoke and flowers.  You're just to busy to worry about things like that right now.

5. Go ahead and have random sex with that guy.  Just be sure he's clean and healthy and wears a condom. Oh, and don't bring him to your house, you do have your own child to think about and all. Just go to his house, and don't even tell him where you live and don't stay the night.  Have a good time, my Love.

6. Yes, You are beautiful.  And you are doing so good.  I'm proud of you.

Not this particular week. Nope. Even dancing monkeys can have wishes.  

Waxing the Aspergers...When I brought my milkshake to the yard, it really was just a milkshake.

Did you know that this is real: 

The Paradox of Choice Theory: "Why more is really Less" is book by American psychologist Barry Schwartz. It's about consumer choice in America and the anxiety it all can bring. I'll get to the relevance of this in a minute, not to worry.

I'm newly out in the world, single again.  I'm probably still feeling a bit bruised from the whole mess that led me to being single again, in the first place.  I did get the carpet pulled out from under me, on that one.  Right the fuck out from under me.  I was like a waitress carrying a large table's hot order on stacked plates when I went down, everything flying and violent shards and hot stings flying to cover me, and anyone else nearby.  I did think I had found my soul mate and set up home for the forever.  Boy, was I completely wrong on that one.  Just because you think you found your soul mate - well, the other person has to feel the same way, I guess. Plus, it's completely easy to view a person in the absolute wrong way.  Lesson learned, or at least more study on signals in massively needed.   

I think it was Plato that made up that humans were bodies with two faces, four arms and four legs, separated by Zeus for being pissed off about the whole messing with the Titans  and thus, splitting us in half and dooming us all to search forever for our soul mate.  Who am I to feel more pissed off at then?  Plato or Zeus?  I think it should be pointed out that both are male...Not in an angry way, with all the pointing...just an observation. 

Hey Zeus?...Still mad?... Can't ask Plato about shit. Yep, Plato said all that he was going to say, he's already dead. Well, actually, I guess Zeus is, too. 

I've never been that great at being a "dater" or a "flirter".  Seriously, I don't get it. I think I go a bit Asperger on some asses.  When someone is flirting with me, usually miss it, or don't know what to do with it.  When I'm flirting with someone else, they usually miss it, or it's totally unwanted. Which is both awkward and uncomfortable for all. Trust.  

And I've never been anyone's pin-up girl - that I'm really aware of. Could have happened, I guess. And I would probably be freaked out about it, anyway.  I do have a fabulous personality.  F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S!!!! Yes, I am sure of that.  Just so you get that I'm not putting myself down.  I'm fine with myself.  My personality has been my saving grace...Well, save when I'm waxing the Aspergers. It is rare to see a human with both, it is usually either/or. And how we covet those who have both. At least I do, lucky ducks. Those people never have to buy anyone just the right amount drinks to cloud their judgement enough to take them home and remain somewhat functional. Yeah, lucky ducks.

The point is, I never had suitors lining up asking for a dance. Nope, never a line. Or if there was, I can assure you, I thought it was the line to pay my light bill or get movie tickets.  I'm just saying....

And yet, here I am newly single, and it seems to be like I've put out the "Welcome, Come on In, Have a Taste" sign.  NEVER in my life have I gotten as much sexual attention as I've been getting lately. NEVER!!! And from the most random and unexpected places.   I don't think I'm seeking the attention.  But, it does seem that I've put an accidental call out to the Universe for auditions for the next penis-starring role in my life. It really will not pay that much. And the attention is all- just "Look at my Penis" attention. At least, I think it is.  Not a one has asked for a proper date.  There hasn't been any romance - that I'm aware of.

My dear friend thinks it's all very funny...laughs and laughs and laughs. But, this person has always had a secret love for the crazy. I am always happy to oblige and delight by dear, sweet best friend.   And it was stated that the reoccurring penis signifies that I have strength and a hidden talent emerging.  Really?!?  I'm cool with the strength, I think that already, I am strong.  But the hidden talent emerging?  What talent?!!?!  The talent to help random peni rise to their full potential? Seriously?!?  Like that's even a real talent that anyone would want.  Or, frankly not already be capable of.  Rising peni has already been done. And not that difficult to master.  Books and videos everywhere.   

And why all this now?  I'm still trying to sort out my house.  And the rule is: "If you house isn't sorted, then your really not ready to have others in for visits."  

Also, maybe I shouldn't be so grouchy about the attention, right?  Why are you complaining? Especially when there's wars on and people starving.  Yeah, I know how completely absurd it all is. Absurd doesn't mean it's not real, though.

While trying to sort it all out, and making sure none of the streams cross, the whole mess is a bit concerning. It  is complicated trying to pick one, just one.  If I was years younger and without so many important responsibilities, I would just try them all out. Yes, I would.  I don't care what others would say about me.  But, not these days. And I am a conscious human, I would never want to hurt a penis' feelings. I never want to hurt anyone's feelings about anything.

I am torn between wanting to just fuck a penis, and searching for my next soul-mate, and wanting to be left the fuck alone.  I am having anxiety of the More is Less. 

I will bet my bottom dollar that  psychologist Barry Schwartz wasn't thinking about his dick when he wrote his book.  It would have been more helpful if he had.