So, a boss's mother died on Friday. I don't much care for this woman, and only saw her mother once. She called her assistant, roughly ten or so times, as she was so sad. The assistant came by my cubicle to let me know that the boss called her that many times...she's very valuable in that aspect. "Well, good for you. I'm sure she needs you very much. How kind of you." I regurgitated all of this without even processing the actual thoughts...a give of my Southern heritage...bullshit on command.
The assistant asked if I was going to the funeral...everyone is expected to go, you know. This had occurred once before in the office, with someone I did like. I didn't go to that funeral because I liked that office person enough to leave her alone in her grief. And, now this time, I didn't want to go because I didn't like the boss, and it was none of my business. And I didn't want it to be my business. In my mind, it demonstrated again, how everything was about this woman, never about what was going on, it was about her. Her own private movie that she was starring in, playing out for all of us to play minor roles in. Her poor dead mother, I thought, for about one second. Followed up by: On the other hand, the mother raised her daughter to be like she was, so not sure that I was that sad one of them had gone. And, I had already used the Southern Bullshit lines, that was about as much as I could muster up. I do not believe in dawning black attire, going to view the body, hugging, paying my respects to someone that I did know or care about. It's as though that's a very insult to the death itself. I wasn't going to play into that farce, just for the sake of looking well mannered. This boss and her assistant didn't like me anyway...why would you want to deal with that, while in mourning? There's potential for one of those funeral scenes when adding in that component.
I, politely replied that I was not going. I was polite about it. But, I'm not sad the mother died. I don't like the boss, so I'm not sad that she's going through all of this. I don't care. Mean? No, not mean. I'm not feeling mean about it. I just don't care.
I'm not calling the office when my mother dies. I may just say I'm on vacation or something. I don't want these people to hang out about my mother. Not everyone will get the good casserole at my mother's funeral. I don't feel the need to be the star at any funeral either. My grief on those moments will be private. I only want people there who actually give a shit about my mother.
One person, who overheard that I wasn't going, noted how mean I was. And how was I going to feel, if no one showed up at my own funeral to pay their respects? I countered that I probably going give it much thought because I'll be dead. I won't care much about that, no, not much, once I'm in that state. (this was a real conversation, spoken outloud.)
It did have the ring to it of the master and slave relationship to it. Not being dramatic either. The master has had a loss, therefore, all of the little servants should feel the loss, as well. Not very healthy. And this is quite indicative of the behavior of what I leaving this job. To get respect, one must give it. So, I'm not so Zen or Christian, having reverence for everyone's life. Being given life is a wonderful gift, but if you screw it up, and waste it, are an asshole, that does not mean I'm going to be sad about the loss, or dawn my best to go to the funeral. Did any of these people going, morn the deaths of the sons of Saddam Hussein? I'm sure that Saddam was very sad about the loss of his children, did we mourn their deaths? No. So, it's the same thing.
The older I get, the more I dislike questioning myself. I've been a bit of a wreck this past week or two, after turning in my notice at work. I'm doing the "right" thing by giving the extra two weeks. But, it's really a mute point, a gesture made full of vain, etc. I don't want to be there, and in true fashion, they are giving my duties to some that already has duties of their own. It more time wasted for everyone. And I'm feeling a bit bitter about that.
I have been grieving the loss of this job, the lack of validation, the worry of loss of money.
All of these things. I've driven some people around me a bit to boredom and having to break from me.
I know that I can get a bit off sometimes. And certainly my shit does effect others. So, I don't mind people having to take a break from it. What I do find interesting is that several people around me find my feelings about this situation so unhealthy, pointless, etc. And they have tried the route of making suggestions on how to take care of these feelings. Feelings are just what they are. And sometimes they just don't need to be fixed. And for me, when I'm done experiencing them, then I'll put them away, but no before then. How about that? Walking though them, processing them, then putting them away. What about that?
I am sad. And I do not expect validation of my work from these people who can't give it. I'm sad that most of us spend our lives at work, and there used to be a time where people were recognized for that gift and that it is a fucking sacrifice. (people got watches and parties for retirement, etc.) So, I'm not looking for validation from these people. However, I am angry and sad that I didn't get it. I'm angry that people who are staying there won't get it. I'm angry at myself for not getting out sooner because I knew better. I'm embarrassed about that point, really. When did I start to squash myself for people that I didn't like? And, now, how do I insure that I don't take another shitty job just for the sake of having one?!? (Because I did such a bang-up job of taking care of myself when I selected this one.)
I'm not sure that I can hear the phrase, one more time, "you did gather valuable experience." Did I? DID I?!? Not really. I broke my leg working at this place. And that sucked. I could have read the books to gain all of the knowledge that I did working there, and not broken my leg. So, I beg to differ. Or the phrase, "why are your worrying about this? It's not your problem anymore?" Ok, people are right on that point. But, I'm not completely out of their yet...three fucking more, long, crap days. Why do I care? Maybe, it's because I spent the past four years trying to make a difference...and in reality, it didn't. It's going to be the same crap place after I leave, as well. I'm sad about that. It should be ok to be sad about that.
And now, I'm having to disrupt my own life, yet again, because I have to get out. I have to leave in order to take care of myself and others around me. That is an inconvenience I attribute to them as well. Fuckers.
One of my dear friends worked a job so hard that his eyes and bladder got fucked up. He had to have multiple surgeries to correct stuff. And this is a friend that I love so much, and should never have had to give his body parts away to help some smuck.
When did we become ok with settling for shit for pay? Are you doing that? Should you be? I'm processing. I'm processing. I'm processing.
When I'm done, I'll let everyone know.
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