Well, I'm still taking it up the ass for my job. I, of course, have formed a uniform team of descendants...we meet regularly to discuss our master plans to overthrow the forces of evil in the ever so intricate world of papermate pens, files, and other office duties.
There was a rather large disturbance in the force this week. There was an office shift of duties, and new people to contend with...a scare of lost positions, and a lack of knowledge of who to report what to. Some of us, in the descendant factions have formed a Special Opts. Division only known as the CYA Unit. We have had several on the clock meetings, in a secret location, known to some as the smoking section...soon we while have our own secret door, pulled open by a secret stapler with a push of a button on the keyboard and a secret knock, but that is a plan for a larger future. I have failed miserably to report my life to my blog due to this disturbance in the force.
Most of us in the CYA Unit have put out our papers in the Universe for relocation. It's really only a matter of time now, escape is imminent. Until then, we will continue our meetings, perhaps bringing pastries or special colored pens to the hideout for comfort.There has been a rather large number of us who have had to deal with Stinky and Crazy Lawyer shenanigans this week. Most of us take comfort in the comfort of the CYA Unit. We are not alone.(mental note:make buttons or special passes with stolen office supplies)
I am the oldest of the unit. I have much wisdom and power plans to share with the others. I have been teaching my young pupils the art of office structure, staff alignment, and power plays, and manipulation. It's an art really. The basic principle is to Cover Your Ass, and, if possible, to also Cover The Asses of Your People. This is war you know. How does one Cover Your Ass? How does one cleverly Lay Blame and Come Out Looking Like the Hero?...again, it's a fucking art that needs much practice and possible small gifts of cookies from the office deli or leftover holiday candies.
Stinky has been a bit lazy this week. There are two of us that she has been delegating her work to-using the slight threat of invoking Crazy on our asses. Therefore, I inducted the other girl into the CYA Unit. I explained to her all of the background of Stinky, the legend if you will. I explained that you must appease Stinky, possibly with a lunch or a small task help out; while pointing out to others that you work for, that it is not possible to do their work for them if you continually have to be involved in others works. That you are a corporate team player, that you have done much to help(make a list), but that you need help in prioritizing this remaining things. What do they want you to do? What do they feel is important? Involving others, and making them feel important in your life and their work in mandatory for implementation. It will work every time.
I gave my young student and example.
We needed to throw a baby shower for a woman in the office. No one could get approval for this, although we do it all the time. My boss is very busy with important matters, therefore, I was not going to bother much on this front. So, I artfully involved Stinky, asking her to help with the planning, and that this was important for this woman that we all worked with, and Stinky had such good taste that it would be such a waste not to have her involved in this team effort. Being delighted with a chance to shine in the office spotlight, she readily agreed, and went to her boss for approval.
This help the CYA Unit on several points:
1. We got the party for this woman.
2. Stinky would be kept busy doing something besides delegations.
3. Stinky would supposedly party of the larger office team...that feeling of inclusion...to be used for later needs.
4. I didn't have to plan the food, I just had to do the invite.
In the meantime, I went to my boss with my list of things already done for Stinky, and the others went to their bosses with their lists at the same time...a united front of action. We are all out of the Stinky work for now, with very little trouble and still keeping Stinky in the loop of office love.
An art.
There is a new, young lawyer in the office that holds promise for also being a new Crazy. She must be treated with caution. While it's known among the staff that she has the potential to be an asshole, she also has outside connections which may not result in her being taught much of a lesson at first. Caution is advised. Stinky, I, and a few others in the office staff are aware of this problem child, and on this point, the CYA Unit will have to work directly in conjunction with Stinky, without revealing ourselves, to solve this problem.
The new lawyer is a bit of a snob, and on several occasions has made condescending comments to the staff. That is not a good idea to start your new career off with. Tisk-tisk. Regardless of where you came from, most of the office staff has direct links to the higher ups, with an even more intimate role and relationship with the higher ups. I am the gatekeeper for my boss. I give my boss my opinion on several matters, as I am the eyes and ears. Do I have complete pull?...of course not, but I have ways of making things difficult. (See above paragraphs.)
And I do have some minor influence in opinions in the office - as all staff do. In this problem, it's not so much of telling on this new lawyer...no my boss doesn't want to hear that gossip...but nonetheless, the problem will get taken care of.
Example:
I make sure that there is a stash of favorite drinks prepared for one person's arrival every time. This is not ass kissing...this is smart, evasive action. When this person has those drinks ready in hand, the office is safer for all of us.
If this person has to stop a meeting to get her own drink, time is lost, thought trains are disrupted, someone will have to pay. It is a fact. Therefore, being nice, providing that small service to this person and all of us, well, it's just not that big of a deal.
However, new lawyer made a comment that I and others might want to start doing that for her...I stopped her, rather coldly on that point. Now, she could say something to someone...but what? If I were to let it slip and reveal her crude comment, the higher up who does require these drinks, well,this higher up will very much tear her a new asshole...this higher up is a force to reckon with. And if Baby is to start complaining about the staff, I have mentally stored the list of condescending comments. She is playing with the Big People now. And the thing about the Big People is that they know there will always be more connections, so they don't have to keep this lawyer, and more importantly, the only people who get to treat others like shit are the Big People, not Baby.
This new lawyer is not longer in the popular crowd at high-school. I do feel sorry for her in her lack of understanding the world of the Big People just yet. There is still hope that she may recover from her past and learn her lessons without much pain...but we will see.
Never, ever mess with the staff as a whole...the staff will take you down. Never dismiss the connections that the small people have, or the influence with the office force. NEVER MAKE THAT MISTAKE!!!!
Will I ever work at an office where people just do their fucking work and do a good job doing it....hard to say. The Universe is vast and holds promise for us all.
May the force be with you.
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