Unlikely prophets...Just Men Speaking, Really

So, I went out last night. I was so emotional drained and exhausted. I had napped far too long during the day, and pretty sure that I'm starting my period. However, I had organized the function, the group, I was obligated and all of that. I secretly, outloud, blamed my dear friend for introducing me to these people, who were so good to be around, that I would go the extra mile when tired. He did it!

So, I'm in my car, the dusk is upon me, I'm late, I replayed the song that I had one, because I really like that song, and it occurred to me that I had just been driving and not really listen to it. I'm not completely sure how many times I actually repeated it.

The place we went has a Handi-Capable parking spot for me to park in. This verbiage annoyed me long before the addition of the cane to my life. I am already fucking capable of more than most people; therefore, if you were smart enough, and believed enough, you wouldn't have to draw attention to it. I don't need my own attention drawn to it. I'd rather be called gimp. At least that's a word that I can stand a chance of kicking someone's ass and demonstrating just how "capable" I am against. Fucking dorks with their fucking "handi-capable" signs.

So, I arrived. The sign didn't annoy me enough not to take the Rock Star Parking though. Friends were there, we ate and drank, and had cake. One dear friend wasn't going to make it for the rest of the evening. She had to deal with Gift Certificate Saturday at her work. All those people who wouldn't become regulars, who wouldn't get that her work was maintenance work, self-help work, betterment work. And they are for the most part, shitty tippers. She not all of this. And the girlfriend of a friend noted that she was one of the Gift Certificate people. So, my worker friend, who had been up to elbows in snatch hair removal all day long, for ten hours, became concerned that she had hurt the other woman's feelings. My friend, even after ten hours, still caring, such a giver. I said that I thought the other woman would be ok. Not to worry. Right now, was her time to be taken care of. And truth is the best defense, right?!? Ten hours of snatch is a lot. After that, you can say anything to want to anyone, I think.

We moved on, to hear my friend read his poems. He's so funny. I know that he's good in the spotlight, but when it comes to his poems, he's so bad about sharing. You have to demand it out of him. He's gotten better about sharing though. He used to not tell anyone when and where he was reading. Now, we at least get that. And he was good. So good. It refreshed me. To be around smart, clear thinking, innovative, outspoken people is refreshing.

And there was another man who spoke as well. He was good, too. So, good. I will get all the information on these two and pass them along shortly.

Images, sounds, vowels, trips to foreign places, loves and losses, and moments, not mine...all danced vividly in my head. Creation served out for us, made so easy...all you had to do was sit quietly and listen. It just doesn't get easier to take care of yourself than that.

There were, of course, a couple of trendy shitbags, who came in the middle of the reading. I didn't spit on them, as I would have in my youth. I didn't make a scene, as I would have, in my youth. But, I did want to. How can you be given such a treat, just a gift, and soil it with such irreverence to the badasses before you? Fucking fucks.

Do I know that these two are just men? Of course, I do. But, it doesn't mean you get to ignore when something is just that cool. And the fact that those sounds came out of very ordinary men, well, that makes the point doesn't it? The ordinary becomes the extra-ordinary. Why would anyone want to miss that? Those moments are so few and far between these days for all of us.

I was asked for the second time this month, if I was a promoter. Nope. I couldn't be that. I can't promote things that are shit, so I couldn't have that job. But, like the Dyson Guy..."I just think things should work properly."

There was another guy, talking about holding back his next publication, until he had been excepted by the literary community. I didn't say it outloud but...but good luck with that. The majority of the "literary" community are idiots. They are hanger ons to others thoughts and words...never really developing a sense of themselves...egos for the sake of having an ego to follow. and sometimes, this community just makes shit up. And people are susceptible to devouring it. It can be dangerous not to have your own thoughts. I have examples.

So, I was sad for this man that he would choose to limit himself is such a way. We all may not like Britany Spears, but she put her shit out there for everyone. If more of the so called community members took that plunge, perhaps we'd have a bigger community influence of encouraging free thought and expansion and less of the Britany Spears. I'm just saying.

And why wait for acceptance? Is it just not go enough to do something for the sake of doing it? Sometimes doing is the fun part. You may just get that one shot, one life...and who cares about acceptance? There are billions of people on the planet, if you make a booboo, you can move and make new friends...unless of course the government has been following your and wire tapping you...then you may have to make a few more adjustments. :) But, I didn't say this all to this man. I didn't care that much.

And there was a kind man, who worked the room, it was his gig to organize. He may not know that he has a special power of making people feel comfortable. Amazing to watch. And he got me, too. I felt comfortable.

What a good night. I was recharged. I could take on anything. Just good stuff.

You And Your Mother Aren't Saints - Don't Play

So, a boss's mother died on Friday. I don't much care for this woman, and only saw her mother once. She called her assistant, roughly ten or so times, as she was so sad. The assistant came by my cubicle to let me know that the boss called her that many times...she's very valuable in that aspect. "Well, good for you. I'm sure she needs you very much. How kind of you." I regurgitated all of this without even processing the actual thoughts...a give of my Southern heritage...bullshit on command.

The assistant asked if I was going to the funeral...everyone is expected to go, you know. This had occurred once before in the office, with someone I did like. I didn't go to that funeral because I liked that office person enough to leave her alone in her grief. And, now this time, I didn't want to go because I didn't like the boss, and it was none of my business. And I didn't want it to be my business. In my mind, it demonstrated again, how everything was about this woman, never about what was going on, it was about her. Her own private movie that she was starring in, playing out for all of us to play minor roles in. Her poor dead mother, I thought, for about one second. Followed up by: On the other hand, the mother raised her daughter to be like she was, so not sure that I was that sad one of them had gone. And, I had already used the Southern Bullshit lines, that was about as much as I could muster up. I do not believe in dawning black attire, going to view the body, hugging, paying my respects to someone that I did know or care about. It's as though that's a very insult to the death itself. I wasn't going to play into that farce, just for the sake of looking well mannered. This boss and her assistant didn't like me anyway...why would you want to deal with that, while in mourning? There's potential for one of those funeral scenes when adding in that component.

I, politely replied that I was not going. I was polite about it. But, I'm not sad the mother died. I don't like the boss, so I'm not sad that she's going through all of this. I don't care. Mean? No, not mean. I'm not feeling mean about it. I just don't care.

I'm not calling the office when my mother dies. I may just say I'm on vacation or something. I don't want these people to hang out about my mother. Not everyone will get the good casserole at my mother's funeral. I don't feel the need to be the star at any funeral either. My grief on those moments will be private. I only want people there who actually give a shit about my mother.

One person, who overheard that I wasn't going, noted how mean I was. And how was I going to feel, if no one showed up at my own funeral to pay their respects? I countered that I probably going give it much thought because I'll be dead. I won't care much about that, no, not much, once I'm in that state. (this was a real conversation, spoken outloud.)

It did have the ring to it of the master and slave relationship to it. Not being dramatic either. The master has had a loss, therefore, all of the little servants should feel the loss, as well. Not very healthy. And this is quite indicative of the behavior of what I leaving this job. To get respect, one must give it. So, I'm not so Zen or Christian, having reverence for everyone's life. Being given life is a wonderful gift, but if you screw it up, and waste it, are an asshole, that does not mean I'm going to be sad about the loss, or dawn my best to go to the funeral. Did any of these people going, morn the deaths of the sons of Saddam Hussein? I'm sure that Saddam was very sad about the loss of his children, did we mourn their deaths? No. So, it's the same thing.

The older I get, the more I dislike questioning myself. I've been a bit of a wreck this past week or two, after turning in my notice at work. I'm doing the "right" thing by giving the extra two weeks. But, it's really a mute point, a gesture made full of vain, etc. I don't want to be there, and in true fashion, they are giving my duties to some that already has duties of their own. It more time wasted for everyone. And I'm feeling a bit bitter about that.

I have been grieving the loss of this job, the lack of validation, the worry of loss of money.

All of these things. I've driven some people around me a bit to boredom and having to break from me.

I know that I can get a bit off sometimes. And certainly my shit does effect others. So, I don't mind people having to take a break from it. What I do find interesting is that several people around me find my feelings about this situation so unhealthy, pointless, etc. And they have tried the route of making suggestions on how to take care of these feelings. Feelings are just what they are. And sometimes they just don't need to be fixed. And for me, when I'm done experiencing them, then I'll put them away, but no before then. How about that? Walking though them, processing them, then putting them away. What about that?

I am sad. And I do not expect validation of my work from these people who can't give it. I'm sad that most of us spend our lives at work, and there used to be a time where people were recognized for that gift and that it is a fucking sacrifice. (people got watches and parties for retirement, etc.) So, I'm not looking for validation from these people. However, I am angry and sad that I didn't get it. I'm angry that people who are staying there won't get it. I'm angry at myself for not getting out sooner because I knew better. I'm embarrassed about that point, really. When did I start to squash myself for people that I didn't like? And, now, how do I insure that I don't take another shitty job just for the sake of having one?!? (Because I did such a bang-up job of taking care of myself when I selected this one.)

I'm not sure that I can hear the phrase, one more time, "you did gather valuable experience." Did I? DID I?!? Not really. I broke my leg working at this place. And that sucked. I could have read the books to gain all of the knowledge that I did working there, and not broken my leg. So, I beg to differ. Or the phrase, "why are your worrying about this? It's not your problem anymore?" Ok, people are right on that point. But, I'm not completely out of their yet...three fucking more, long, crap days. Why do I care? Maybe, it's because I spent the past four years trying to make a difference...and in reality, it didn't. It's going to be the same crap place after I leave, as well. I'm sad about that. It should be ok to be sad about that.

And now, I'm having to disrupt my own life, yet again, because I have to get out. I have to leave in order to take care of myself and others around me. That is an inconvenience I attribute to them as well. Fuckers.

One of my dear friends worked a job so hard that his eyes and bladder got fucked up. He had to have multiple surgeries to correct stuff. And this is a friend that I love so much, and should never have had to give his body parts away to help some smuck.

When did we become ok with settling for shit for pay? Are you doing that? Should you be? I'm processing. I'm processing. I'm processing.

When I'm done, I'll let everyone know.

At the Risk of Being Unpopular

I found this week that I am closer than I like to be to someone who does some interestingly disturbing to me.

On several occasions, this woman has worked into the conversation, at the oddest times, her personal agenda against abortion. This is certainly weird timing for her. At the time that she had her child out of wedlock, her wealthy family disowned her. Now that it appears that she is back in the folds of her family, because she brought them an opportunity to make more money, she has become born again, and back in the folds of her mother. She apparently goes to schools and clinics in her small town, telling her story and passing out pamphlets, telling young girls that they shouldn't have an abortion. If she can do it, so can everyone else, raise you child no matter what the cost to you or that child. Yadda,yadda,yadda.

There are a few of us around this woman who have become uncomfortable with her times of discussion. In very unprofessional settings, not caring about others around her. Making sure that her agenda is heard.

It's a bit funny. She tried with me, but I stopped her short. She stated that she didn't believe in abortion but did believe in stem cell research. I told her that we couldn't have this conversation. I was the polar opposite. I believed in the right to choose, and I didn't believe in the need for stem cell research. She was appalled at me. After all I had one of the very diseases that stem cell research offered hope for a cure. I stated that I didn't need to live forever, and nor did anyone else. People should make the most out of the time they have, and not be greedy. And mucking up nature and it's already working system, had only overpopulated the planet and killed scores of things and animals that we needed - so I didn't like it. I felt like it was a stupid, unnecessary pursuit, that was being pursued by people who were egotistical, doing things just because they could. And wasn't this against the very thing that her religion guarded supposedly so highly. If you believe that God had a plan, that God had a design, why go screwing with it? She got angry and ended the conversation with me.

One time, such a lifetime ago, I decided to right a term paper on teenage pregnancy. I was fourteen at the time...a big topic for such a young girl. I took out my phone book, and looked up pregnancy counseling. I visited several places, and they, in my small town, were all the same. I was greeted by a very nice woman, who was excited that a young girl such as myself would taken on such a heavy topic. I was asked if I would like to watch some films. I said sure. The films that I watched were of actual abortions, where the bodies of these tiny babies were broken and bloody, often discarded in trashcans, or on dirty operating tables, sometimes with the young mothers dying from infections or bleeding out. I, who grew up in a medical family, had never seen such a thing. I happened to have been exposed to the clinical side of hospitals and knew that these films were bogus, and only shown to me for the right wing religious agenda. Even then, I knew that this was crap. And why guise yourself as "pregnancy counseling", there was no help here, just propaganda. There was not "truth". And why feel comfortable showing such horrible things to a child. I have carried those manipulative images in my head for my entire life. And, in fact, this very action, was one reason that drove me away from the religious agenda. But, I did wonder how many people fell for it. Fourteen is an impressionable age. I turned in my paper with examples and facts, and a parent teacher conference was called. The paper was given an A, but there was discussion about where it was that I was going in life.

Years later, I watched my young cat, who got pregnant once, kill all of her newborns. I thought she was too young to go into heat, I hadn't had her fixed. She bore seven kittens. And about a day later, one summer, I found their half mangled bodies strewn around the walk-in closet they were housed in. She didn't want them. She had slaughtered them all. But, yet we expect our women to act less like animals, although we are that very thing.

Do I think abortion is committing a murder, a killing. Yes, I do. But, I also think that no one can be in a mother's head. I do not believe that there is anything harder for a mother than to kill her own child, for whatever the reason. Given the current system of adoption and the number of abused and forgotten children, what mother would want that for their child...that kind of pain and uncertainty? Death by your own hand is one of the hardest and yet kindest thing a woman can do. There women will live with their choices, knowing that their child died by their own hands. Perhaps, like my kitten, they are being the best mother that they can be for that baby. And there aren't many Christians who take in unwanted babies, and there aren't many Christians who give of their extras to help mothers who cannot care for their children. Where are these women who want so very much to rid the world of abortion when there are so many children in need who are already here? Make that system better, and maybe I would listen to your agenda more. You want people to take personal responsibility for their actions when having sex...well, come on, that's not very reasonable...it will never happen. Fix the system, and perhaps I would believe. Until then, no matter what propaganda I'm shown, no matter what stories I'm told, no matter what god is thrown in my face, I will choose to let mothers make the choices for their bodies and the children.

That is why we cannot have this conversation.

Secrets, I've had a few

I have a horrible time in keeping secrets. It's true. I just don't do well with them at all. It's so weird about secrets. When did those come about? The history of them. There had to have been a time when we didn't have any, when there wasn't enough of us around to keep them, or hide from them.

Don't get me wrong...I have some of my own. Those few little things that will probably only just go to the grave with me. When I'm dead, people will stand around looking at my crap pile never knowing why I saved that matchbook, or that slip of paper.

Will anyone know the complete extent of another human. No probably not. That's rather amazing...thinking about that. In our day and age, we certainly do not even scratch the surface of one another...think of all of those things, hidden, that we just won't know about eachother. It's a bit exciting and overwhelming at the same time. Even your best of best of best friends, well, you may just miss out. And I certainly think there's a huge difference between secrets and personal tragedies. Personal tragedies are though things we keep hidden because we're afraid of non-acceptance. They can be secrets, too. But, are most certainly the most damaging kind.

People have always told me their secrets. I don't know why. Sometimes, they get a little weighing. I'm amazed that people would feel to share so much sometimes. A friend told me that I needed Aura work. Well, sometimes I need something...that's for sure.

Example:

I was at a bar with a friend. This man proceeded to lean over and tell me that I could call him T-Dog. Then he told me how he had this disease that made him allergic to his own poop. He couldn't use regular toilet paper, he had to use special, antiseptic wipes instead. And this was hereditary...his father had this disease. Was this true? I don't know. When he didn't get the response that he wanted from me, he told me that I couldn't call him T-Dog anymore.

At work for a company that randomly drug tested, this woman just blurted out to me, at a very awkward moment that she smoked pot. Then proceeded to ask me never to tell. And she didn't know why she had just said that to me. I never did tell. But, it was not a moment when you would just blurt that out.

Or, this guy that brought all of Carlos Castaneda's books to where I was working just to tell me out of the blue, that this was his new religion.

And why tell me? I'm the worst at keeping secrets. I don't like to keep them. As much as I talk, why would anyone feel like they could trust me? I'll never figure that one out.

So, this week, a couple of people from a past life of mine swept their way back to me. I was inadvertently thrown back into a time period that I was not so cool with, one that I often keep secret. What to do? What to do?

I opted on to go where these people were. I opted not to confront my past. I didn't really see the point in it. I did make the choice not to keep how I knew these people a secret, but I didn't feel the need to pursue a new relationship with them. No matter how much we had all changed. I would imagine that I might have been a topic of discussion, and opted to let the chips fall where they may. So, there's that. I must be getting comfortable in my own skin, finally.

And yet another person this week told me of their own secret. And even went to the point to say they knew people who would hurt me if I told anyone. Well, why tell me then? I know my own people, you know. We could start a tiny war over this. People do it all the time. How weird is that to tell someone? Don't tell me if you have to have me beaten up about it...I've got other people to be responsible to. I'm not even Catholic.

All that to do about secrets. It's a lot of hubbub. It's a hassle. It's passe.

The full circle of our fear

Monday is Martin Luther King day. I noticed that The Room Store is having a sale. I will never shop there on this point. Dr. King should not be a marketing tool. Shame on you.

This week was certainly a doozie. But, don't I always say that?

I found amazing turns of events this week. Stinky at the office, who has reined supreme over the years, with threats of sicing her boss on us all...well the times are a changing. I found that no one helps her anymore. Not a bit. It's been a little like the Stinky that cried wolf to many times. There's not so much fear in office.

It's taken some time, but it's finally come around full circle. It's a bit interesting. I was amazed. I didn't think in my lifetime that I would see this event happen. She has been rendered a bit powerless. And is now just what she's always been. A stinky, unorganized, sad, mean, lump of a human. She been very sad and unhappy. Those have been her true colors all along anyway. She hasn't really grasped it all yet. She has repeatedly state that she doesn't understand what's going on. I'm not going to tell her, or rub her nose in it...she has to learn this for herself. Plus, I just don't like her enough to help guide her though anything. Made your bed, now you have to lie in it sort of thinking. I'm not unkind to her, just not wanting to help...all goes to the root of it anyway.

I write about this because it's noteworthy. The change did not just come in me, which it had. This change suddenly came in all of us, officewide. Which leads credence to bigger changes that can happen.

Dr. King spoke of this type of big change. It's going to encompass being less egocentric. It's going to encompass waking up. It's going to encompass a bit of giving. Everything does come full circle.


If you overesteem great men, people become powerless.
If you overvalue possessions, people begin to steal.
The Master leads by emptying people's minds and filling their cores, by weakening their ambition and toughening their resolve. He helps people lose everything they know, everything they desire, and creates confusion in those who think that they know.
Practice not-doing, and everything will fall into place.

Tao Te Ching by Lao-tzu (abt.551-479 BCE)
http://www.mindfully.org/

"very little" to show for "pro-family, pro-moral" agenda
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/1/13/23122/2941

Willard Landreth Presbyterian Elder Western NCYour spokesman, Paul Hetrick, states your priorities are abortion, same-sex marriage and seating activist conservative judges. What specious thinking! 41 million poor Americans are put on the back burner while you push your radical agenda on topics that lie on the periphery of human suffering.You are a part of the anti Christ who continue their unbiblical, no, heretical ways. Never in the course of human history have so many been deceived, so often, by so few. You're gladly trading the lives of the poor for your own grandiosity and power. You're simply fundamentalists (not Christians) - market fundamentalists, obsessed with sexual ethics. "Dobson speculated" - in a conversation with ethically challenged Rick Santorum - "that Americans "are pretty irritated" at both Democrats and Republicans for that reason." Your bubble is so out of touch with real Christians. We are irritated because you refuse to recognize God's command to be with the poor. You and your kind are hypocrites of the grand order.As a present day Pharisee it is impossible for you to agree with Isaiah: "Woe to you legislators of infamous laws . . . who refuse justice to the unfortunate, who cheat the poor among my people of their rights, who make widows their prey and rob the orphan."Roger Williams, of Rhode Island fame, warned Christians against joining forces with civil government. He was absolutely right. You've prostituted yourself with politicians. The political non action you're receiving is your due. You're a fool of the highest order. A Christian you aren't.Willard Landreth Presbyterian Elder Western NC

Yahoo turned in a Chinese dissident for warning there might be troubleon the 15th anniversary of the Tiananmen Square massacre:"Just like any other global company,Yahoo must ensure that its local country sitesmust operate within the laws, regulations and customsof the country in which they are based," said Mary Osako.

news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/4221538.stmthe

dissident was sentenced to 10 years

The dark hole that is my dark hole

Okay, personal stuff:

My mother is very ill. I suspect the violent end to this episode to be quite soon. I have written about her before...being psysophrenic.

Last night my mother called around fifteen times before giving up starting at 1:00 AM. I turned off the ringer, as not to wake my son and man. I'm not going to listen to the messages as I erase them. I don't listen to them anymore.

I got a call from a distant second cousin this week. I may have met this man, I may not have...was too young, if I did, to recall him now.

However, he found me...he sought me out. Giving me this long lecture about taking care of my mom. The need to take care of family. My mother is very sick.

These calls have come more frequently from family strangers as my mother gets more sick and more unmanageable.

I tried to talk calmly to this man that I share a bloodline with but don't know.

Here's the scoop of it all.

For fucksake, I know my mother is sick. Who does not know this? This is supposed to be news to me?

This man lives in the same town as my mother does. He was not calling me to offer help with the situation, like a good family member would.

Per my family norm: He was calling to get me to deal with her. He acted like I didn't know what was going on. He told me that I should come get her. With what money, I asked? And in her current state, how was I to transport her safely?

I also explained to him that I had MS, which he says he knew about. So, I asked him, since stress causes flare ups of this disease; how was I to handle my violent mother once I got her here? Also, not to mention that I have a small child and he has no children...what to say about that exposure to my violent mother? Well, Oh, Nothing to Say to That? ...what a shocker.

I couldn't legally get my own mother's paperwork to start her on the waiting list for government housing. How did he suggest that I go about that? And where was I to keep her until her name came up on the over two year wait for housing? Nothing to say about that? Nothing?!?

Also, since my death would be immanent, who was to take on my mother, in the town and state that she knows noone, when I pass or become incompetent myself? Who was to do that? Well, Hadn't thought of that. That this town, where I live is huge in comparison to the village she lived in now, so if I did move her here the chances of her getting hurt, or lost, or shot by the cops: Sophia King, became tenfold.

http://www.austinchronicle.com/issues/dispatch/2002-06-21/pols_atlarge.html

What?!? Nothing to say about that?!?

He went on to say that there must be something. I could get custody of my mother. Yes, for a tune of about $20,000 I could do that. Again, where was she to go after me? And was I took take on the full responsibility of her actions, once having custody? She seriously hurts someone, I have to pay. Is that fair to my man and child?

What about Guardianship...Yes, there was that, but everytime I wanted to have her committed for her own safety, I would have to go to Court, with more than one family member as a witness, so if she's here, would he be willing to fly out everytime I needed a witness? Oh,ah, Oh...

What about a special home? Yes, She could be committed to a home. Well, Medicare does not cover this for her, and I do not have money for private facilities. But I would be willing to check into this again, if the rest of the family would share the expense. Oh,ah...it's not free from the Government? No, it's not. She can function when on her meds that she won't take. Therefore, it's Custody, Guardianship, or the Cops.

He asked me if I wanted to hear the phone messages that my mother had left for him where she was crying and babbling. No, I knew what this was. He repeatedly said how he and the other family members would love to help...but what could they do?

Translate: Would I just take on the complete job, and absolve them all from their own guilt or not doing a fucking thing.

Well, no, I'm not going to resolve other people's guilt for not helping. I am certainly not going to do that. People should feel bad and they should feel guilty. I'm not going out sitting in the crappile that I didn't ask for by myself...Nope. Either we're all family for real and we all help, or it's the guilt and shame and crappile for all of us. How about that plan?!?

I suggested that he call the cops on her, like I do, because they come out and get her and commit her, and put her back on her meds for a bit.

Oh, he could do that. How horrible...he couldn't do that. He really was just calling to let me know what was going on, and to get me to do something about it.

This strange, little, foreign man was calling me, to frustrate me. That's what this was. Per my families norm.

This man went on to suggest that my father help me. I do not speak to my father for many reasons, but this would be one of them. My father married, procreated with a nutjob, and then left the nutjob in my lap, in the lap of the only child he couldn't really give much of a shit about. Those promises to friends, family, and God meaning nothing to him.

Well, be proud Dad, I'm leaving, too. Just like you...how about that?!?

I am no longer angry about this fact, of not talking to my father, I just see it for what it is, and don't want to deal with my father anymore. He's just not a good guy. I have just parted ways for the best of everyone.

He cannot be around my child either.

This is the wrap up: Everyone is my family does not want to help me. I get calls and letters and bribes, etc. regarding the condition of my mother.

It's so funny to me that this rather large group of people that I don't even know, but who do know my mother and have had more life contact with her, are willing to dump the entire responsibility in my lap because I am her child. Who made this rule? I only lived with this woman for six years of my life...how much responsibility does that buy a person?

Okay, I am a bit angry about this. I'm just writing my frustration out. So, don't write back to console me on this point. It's a fairly often frustration...I just need to barf it out to save some sanity.

With my MS, I have made arrangements for my child not to have to deal with me and my shit when it becomes necessary. He will not go on with that kind of crazy guilt. So, there is that point for the future. I have stopped that for him. And that feels pretty cool.

And my son will not know my family. I have turned out to be a great parent in that aspect, too. Instead, I have surrounded him with beautiful people, who love him so much. That I did do. I have stopped the cycle here. And that's something...most people can't or won't or just don't do that. But, I have done it.

As for my own mother, and the other people like her?

Well, my close friend said it best when he pointed out that we live in a society that expects, commands, that psysophrenics to fit in the mold of the norm of society or face being useless, ignored, discarded people. As though my mother, and others like her have no value as humans. There were things written that has shown that in previous societies these people went on to be Shamans, prophets, etc. They were often hailed and exalted.

But, this will not be for my mother.

So, soon I will prepare to write the letters and make the calls to the people in my family to tell them to leave me alone about this. I have looked at the possibilities, exhausted the efforts, etc.

The movie Beautiful Mind did not portray this disease in it's full glory. You were seriously shortchanged at the Box Office on that one.

The stories that I have from my life, well, most people, unless they have a psysophrenic hanging around, well, they are quite fabulous unbelievable tales. And someday I will write those stories, sure,maybe,but not right now. Too much, right now.

I'm not willing to sacrifice myself or my child and man, for my mother. And, yes, there is much grief in that. And, yes, I will cry. And, yes, I will still call her because she loves me. In her own, sad, fucked up way, she was the better parent in that. And,yes, I will bury her, and go through her things when the whole crap thing comes full circle. Yes, I will do those things. I am committed to that, at least.

Watch the family come out to the funeral to see if she left money or things for them...they'll be there. Like the others that have passed before my mom.

I have spoken to others with the same plight. We're all in the same fucked up boat on this one.

And, this is my secret hole. This is my dark place.

Will this ever be repaired? No. This is just what it is in me.

I carry this.

I accept this.

I live with this.

And I am okay with that.

I accept this as part of my mom's life, my life, my heart.

What I am not okay with is that I can't just be alone in this spot.

Alone, without comments that I never asked for, from the unknowing, uncaring, unsupportive peanut gallery who will never get their feet dirty with the mud from the woman that is my mother.

I am not okay with that.

I am not okay with that.

I am not okay with that.

I do not forgive you people on this point.

I won't throw it in your face either.

But, I will not forgive you.

I am okay with living with that as well.

How about them apples?!?

And the phone sounds the dial tone as the peanut gallery hangs up....

Just Running It Up the Flagpole for the Week with Power Bottoms in Tow

I'm just now catching my breath for the week. I missed two birthday's of two dear friends, and I missed spending more time with a friend from out of town, I still have gifts to mail...shit, what happened?!?

I'm going to combine on this blog...so you amy want to print this for toilet reading if you've been constipated and expect it to take a while or perhaps reading in the car on long trips.

My friend did get a new tatoo. Feel free to visit his blog in awe at http://www.johnnymeatworth.blogspot.com/ This is simply the place to start you new year off. He has a wonderful link to getting your very own New Year's Resolution. Mine is to find Bin Laden. I need some maps to the White House for this task, I think.

One the subject of dead miners. Why are we still mining as a job when there are alternatives for fuel? And how can you torture people by saying their family members aren't dead...just joking...they are dead afterall...Ha-Ha. Again, why are we still using coal?

My thoughts on the recent violence in Iraq. I hate to be a conspiracy person, but didn't we just have this calm period, followed by our people asking for military personnel being pulled out, now, there is a ton of violence...could it be planted violence for futher justification of a stupid war to gain access to more oil that we wouldn't need if we started using smart cars? (See Brazil and Ethanol)

http://www.ethanol.org/

Or cars fueled by garbage or sun or etc. This war and the drilling in Alaska are just stupid. There, I've said it...STUPID!!!!!

Here is a wonderful sight that we should all make a permanent favorite. However, it will make you feel a bit dirty when shopping and you turn items over to find out small, starving, children in labor forces world wide made your shit.

"Virtually nothing for sale at Disney is manufactured in this country, or is union-made." http://www.revbilly.com/blog/?p=139

Last time I visited a truckstop, the Mammy Dolls Salt Shaker and Cookie Jar Combo I saw was made in China. No, I didn't buy it. I got the hell out and kept driving North.

Email from a friend: "Some of you may have read that several NBC stations have folded to pressure from some viewers and the AFA to drop the new series "The Book of Daniel". The show, set to premier tonight, features a diverse family including a gay son. Please email your local NBC station and give them your opinion. Here is the address for WOAI in san antonio."

http://www.woai.com/contactus/

My response:

Thank you for making this so easy for us all. I'm emailing this morning to SA and Austin. I saw some comments about the show, on the news here, where a man was angry that Jesus was being played as someone so "flippant". I wish I could email this man personally.

Since this man didn't know Jesus personally, it's wrong for him to assume that Jesus wasn't flippant. The story is put in the very Bible that so many people read, that Jesus was a man; therefore, he would have had allllllll of the emotions of a man; including those that are not so pretty among us. If we look at the history of Jesus:

(1) He was a rebel against the Roman and Jewish establishment (what rebel can't be accused of a little flippancy?)

(2) He was most probably not white, given the area in which he lived (he is in the show)

(3) If you are Christian, why fear what anyone has to say about you're faith? (if you have faith, aren't you pretty much covered? Jesus didn't care, according to the teachings in the bible...he just did his stuff with a kind heart...reminder that he hung out with lepers and prostitutes without judgment...Can any of these complainers on the news programs say that about themselves? Jesus did not beat Jesus love into people.)

And with the abundance of diverse families, whether gay or otherwise, I do not think that Jesus would mind open and honest learning and discussion, as so many of his "conversations" were recorded for us to supposedly learn from. One thing that was prevalent in the Bible with Jesus, was a lack of harsh judgment on his part, and his death by those that did judge so harshly. Is there not something to learn from that?

If we choose to interpret the teachings of Jesus in that light...are those of us who are different and more excepting, open, with a strive for knowledge and heart...well, are we not closer to the idea that Jesus set forth for the world?

My response when asked about the emails about the Roller Girls show:

I liked the original roller derby women in the 1970s, it really did stand for something at that time. I do not like these "new" versions. It's the group of girls that made me stop getting tattooed. They are not very original, and I expect more out of women these days. We cannot overcome obstacles by piggybacking on someone else's idea. So, I haven't watched or been to any of their events. And to say that perhaps they are paying tribute to those original women, well, that stupid. Again, find your own thing, not someone else's. Are they that tough? Nope.

The one woman who's a teacher by day and a badass by night? (I saw the commercial.) Not that tough. You're either tough or not tough...you can't be a half-assed tough person and take the credit. The truck driver, the biker, and the construction worker that I know, that are women...they are fucking tough. And stand any of these girlies against those type of women and the roller skating girls would lose. Deep down, we all have to know that.

In fact, there was a woman who got involved with the Roller Girls at the beginning, that I used to work with. When I first started this job, she thought we were alike because she thought that I was "punk rock" like her. When she found out that I wasn't like her, she spread the rumor that she wanted to kick my ass.

I was pregnant.

But, I still told her, one fine morning shift, that we should do it. I would take her challenge. I knew someone who would set up the ring in the parking lot, and we could get outfits and sell tickets to the fight. I told her, yes, I would welcome the fight, pregnant and all. I said this loudly, in front of everyone. She quietly, very quietly, denied ever saying anything of the sort about me. I replied that it was okay, we should do it anyway. I got very close to her and said...yes, let's do it anyway....I knew that I could take her without injury to me or my child, but, alas, she was not "punk rock" or "tough", but she was a pussy.

And the money making fight never, ever, happened.

Am I that tough. Yes.

Commercialism of culture is paramount and original ideas are not part of this. Campy tributes are bullshit. These girlies are fakers and frauds. And the men who have been participating in this are mostly the same geeks that masturbate to adult cartoons and comic books depicting women with big ole boobies in fights while pretending to be in support for women's rights and the like, just to get an "in" with the women...I'm not fooled. Again, find your own idea, you're own sport, you're own niche...You Cannot Steal Someone Else's Superhero Suit.

And, NO I WILL NOT FIGHT THESE GIRLS IN PUBLIC FOR YOU TO PUT YOUR HANDS DOWN YOU PANTS TO FIND YOUR PEEPIE AND WATCH....STOP ASKING.

And about displays of affection in public...well, we're not the only country against love:

http://tinyurl.com/bdkxn

Fuck the murderer and rapists, etc. If you're holding hands, you're the devil.

I learned a new word from someone else who learned a new word. It's really quite fantastic: Power Bottom. I spread the joy and look forward to using this word frequently:

http://jameswolcott.com/archives/2006/01/too_many_creeps.php

Read and be happy.

Taking It Up the Ass with Staples and Other Office Copy Jobs

Well, I'm still taking it up the ass for my job. I, of course, have formed a uniform team of descendants...we meet regularly to discuss our master plans to overthrow the forces of evil in the ever so intricate world of papermate pens, files, and other office duties.

There was a rather large disturbance in the force this week. There was an office shift of duties, and new people to contend with...a scare of lost positions, and a lack of knowledge of who to report what to. Some of us, in the descendant factions have formed a Special Opts. Division only known as the CYA Unit. We have had several on the clock meetings, in a secret location, known to some as the smoking section...soon we while have our own secret door, pulled open by a secret stapler with a push of a button on the keyboard and a secret knock, but that is a plan for a larger future. I have failed miserably to report my life to my blog due to this disturbance in the force.

Most of us in the CYA Unit have put out our papers in the Universe for relocation. It's really only a matter of time now, escape is imminent. Until then, we will continue our meetings, perhaps bringing pastries or special colored pens to the hideout for comfort.There has been a rather large number of us who have had to deal with Stinky and Crazy Lawyer shenanigans this week. Most of us take comfort in the comfort of the CYA Unit. We are not alone.(mental note:make buttons or special passes with stolen office supplies)

I am the oldest of the unit. I have much wisdom and power plans to share with the others. I have been teaching my young pupils the art of office structure, staff alignment, and power plays, and manipulation. It's an art really. The basic principle is to Cover Your Ass, and, if possible, to also Cover The Asses of Your People. This is war you know. How does one Cover Your Ass? How does one cleverly Lay Blame and Come Out Looking Like the Hero?...again, it's a fucking art that needs much practice and possible small gifts of cookies from the office deli or leftover holiday candies.

Stinky has been a bit lazy this week. There are two of us that she has been delegating her work to-using the slight threat of invoking Crazy on our asses. Therefore, I inducted the other girl into the CYA Unit. I explained to her all of the background of Stinky, the legend if you will. I explained that you must appease Stinky, possibly with a lunch or a small task help out; while pointing out to others that you work for, that it is not possible to do their work for them if you continually have to be involved in others works. That you are a corporate team player, that you have done much to help(make a list), but that you need help in prioritizing this remaining things. What do they want you to do? What do they feel is important? Involving others, and making them feel important in your life and their work in mandatory for implementation. It will work every time.

I gave my young student and example.

We needed to throw a baby shower for a woman in the office. No one could get approval for this, although we do it all the time. My boss is very busy with important matters, therefore, I was not going to bother much on this front. So, I artfully involved Stinky, asking her to help with the planning, and that this was important for this woman that we all worked with, and Stinky had such good taste that it would be such a waste not to have her involved in this team effort. Being delighted with a chance to shine in the office spotlight, she readily agreed, and went to her boss for approval.

This help the CYA Unit on several points:

1. We got the party for this woman.

2. Stinky would be kept busy doing something besides delegations.

3. Stinky would supposedly party of the larger office team...that feeling of inclusion...to be used for later needs.

4. I didn't have to plan the food, I just had to do the invite.

In the meantime, I went to my boss with my list of things already done for Stinky, and the others went to their bosses with their lists at the same time...a united front of action. We are all out of the Stinky work for now, with very little trouble and still keeping Stinky in the loop of office love.

An art.

There is a new, young lawyer in the office that holds promise for also being a new Crazy. She must be treated with caution. While it's known among the staff that she has the potential to be an asshole, she also has outside connections which may not result in her being taught much of a lesson at first. Caution is advised. Stinky, I, and a few others in the office staff are aware of this problem child, and on this point, the CYA Unit will have to work directly in conjunction with Stinky, without revealing ourselves, to solve this problem.

The new lawyer is a bit of a snob, and on several occasions has made condescending comments to the staff. That is not a good idea to start your new career off with. Tisk-tisk. Regardless of where you came from, most of the office staff has direct links to the higher ups, with an even more intimate role and relationship with the higher ups. I am the gatekeeper for my boss. I give my boss my opinion on several matters, as I am the eyes and ears. Do I have complete pull?...of course not, but I have ways of making things difficult. (See above paragraphs.)

And I do have some minor influence in opinions in the office - as all staff do. In this problem, it's not so much of telling on this new lawyer...no my boss doesn't want to hear that gossip...but nonetheless, the problem will get taken care of.

Example:

I make sure that there is a stash of favorite drinks prepared for one person's arrival every time. This is not ass kissing...this is smart, evasive action. When this person has those drinks ready in hand, the office is safer for all of us.

If this person has to stop a meeting to get her own drink, time is lost, thought trains are disrupted, someone will have to pay. It is a fact. Therefore, being nice, providing that small service to this person and all of us, well, it's just not that big of a deal.

However, new lawyer made a comment that I and others might want to start doing that for her...I stopped her, rather coldly on that point. Now, she could say something to someone...but what? If I were to let it slip and reveal her crude comment, the higher up who does require these drinks, well,this higher up will very much tear her a new asshole...this higher up is a force to reckon with. And if Baby is to start complaining about the staff, I have mentally stored the list of condescending comments. She is playing with the Big People now. And the thing about the Big People is that they know there will always be more connections, so they don't have to keep this lawyer, and more importantly, the only people who get to treat others like shit are the Big People, not Baby.

This new lawyer is not longer in the popular crowd at high-school. I do feel sorry for her in her lack of understanding the world of the Big People just yet. There is still hope that she may recover from her past and learn her lessons without much pain...but we will see.

Never, ever mess with the staff as a whole...the staff will take you down. Never dismiss the connections that the small people have, or the influence with the office force. NEVER MAKE THAT MISTAKE!!!!

Will I ever work at an office where people just do their fucking work and do a good job doing it....hard to say. The Universe is vast and holds promise for us all.

May the force be with you.

If You Have An Extra Leaf To Turn Over....Fucking Sell It Already

I haven't had time to post, or do much of anything...so hold on to your reading glasses, this is going to be a big one.

Christmas day was smooth sailing. Maybe the first one ever for me. I called people and let them know that I was thinking of them. I visited my friends, and hung out with the family. It was pretty ok.My dear friend Craig had a cold, and my dear friend Ric, well, his ears are tickling, and this morning I now have it. It's the cedar trees. Amazing that nature can, and will, still get us all. The power there is just to great. Our planet always wins. The giant rock that we float on, will always win. Amazing how much dogma we've grated to comfort ourselves from that truth. Dogma has been used to control ourselves and control others. Amazing that the beauty that surrounds us, the intricacies of the universe are not enough to be recognized and sustain us. We are a bossy bunch.My Mother-In-Law is deeply Catholic. She did make a face when my child didn't know how to say Grace at the table. But, she's pretty good about keeping her views to herself. She's above average good about not being to bossy on her views on her religion. I can appreciate that, and respect her very much for that. We did have a roundtable discussion after dinner. She couldn't agree with me on some points. In my mind, it's crazy to have churches laden with golden statues, and jewels and have people standing outside the church starving.

Sell it, sell it all and feed people.

I don't believe in fancy, smacy icons. Nope. She also asked me if I thought some people have too much money and should take care of the rest of people who didn't...like Bill Gates or basketball players. I said, yes, yes, I did believe that. That if, indeed, you did have too much money, you should be bettering the lives of others. Yes, for the hell of it, you should give as much as possible away. Everyone could save a little back to be buried with if they needed it....sure why not.

All of those red-carpet events, with expensive loaner jewelry, and fine silks, well, it does freak me out. And I think it would freak out the likes of Jesus, Martin Luther King, Gandhi, etc.

Now comes the Year's end for us all. I am reflective, of course. It's been a hard, long year. Not just for me. A lot of people around me have had a long year. I escaped with some lessons about myself and a broken leg. Pretty easy for me, all in all. Some people lost everything they own and people they knew are still just missing. Really, look at your home, and maybe the person right next to you...just gone. Just gone. Imagine that. Quite sobering.

(Up to the new year)

Well, I slept. I slept so much that it hurt. I've been over eating, not exercising, not calling people back and dreaming. I 've been cocooning myself. 2005 was a deadly year of big lessons.

I drank my laxative tea. I have stock piled a lot of useless shit. And my useless shit will manifest itself in hurting my bodily form. I'm not getting any younger, so I really can't afford to fuck around with my body so much. I was truly excited and happy about the turn over of the calendar date. As though that one turning of the clock would hold so much promise and hope.

I waited until I saw the clock turn midnight to exclaim to myself, to let my breath completely out, and admit to myself that I had actually made it...that I had actually survived 2005. It was over. I spoke to a friend about it. He had the same feeling, that there was indeed some sort of relief and hope. The fact that he was sitting in 2005 either, as silly as it sounded, made him happy, too.However, the glee of the calendar change is not without warnings and struggles of change. Life cannot be just that simple. There has to be struggle in order to obtain peace and to reach nirvana. I had almost had a perfect twenty-four hours. Almost. In reading my horoscope from Mr. Brezsny of Free Will Astrology, I will need a humongous vacuum to clean up my act. I must dispose of things that have been holding me back for the past ten years. Ten Years?!?!, you say.Yes, the past ten years. I can name most of them.
Link: http://freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/20051222p.html