I was in a terrible mood last night. I do know why. And it was the kind of bad mood where you just don't feel like doing anything about it, and then that just ends up making you mood worse...It's a cycle. However, you do have to be careful not to inflict your bad mood on others...such a struggle. Do, I ever write about the great stuff going on? No, probably not. I suppose that I don't like to share that stuff. That doesn't need to be worked out, and for the most part, I'm very selfish about those things. I just want to keep them to myself. I suppose that's a bit backwards. Whatever. Lots of topics to cover, so this post will be as such...diary of a mad woman.
Oh, but I had dreams last night...lots of dreams. I was running so fast in my own head, hard to say if I truly got any rest.
It was a long week at work. I'm learning so much, very quickly. I'm currently buried under text books. I'm not really much of a text book learner, but, the woman who could train me, is ever so grouchy and resistant to help. For the most part, she seems to go out of her way to make me feel like a dumbass, that I'm inconveniencing her at every possible moment. I don't think she does it on purpose...she's just very unhappy. It's been noticed by others, and I just end up covering for her about that, as she may be one of the smartest people that I know, and she is a value to the company with her vast experience...she's just a lonely, socially inept, pain in the ass.
But, back to me...I'm buried under textbooks and that always makes me grouchy. I will always learn things one way or another. And the funny thing is, we both have the same goals...we're just completely different at arriving at the end. She doesn't like to network, she doesn't like people. Well, to tell you the truth, I don't either. However, I see this as a necessary evil in business, and can be the less painful route to go through in process, and often time involves a lunch..or, at least, a delightful desert and a great cup of coffee. She wants to advance and so do I. And I've come to find out that the field we're in is becoming a woman dominated field (something I've never seen, that's not nursing or cooking, or naked dancing...). We can advance. But, we're not going to just be recognized for our knowledge...that never happens. You have to market yourself.
That's why, she's traded companies and kept her same type job, and I have always continued to move up. I can see this to be a problem later. She's going to get mad, and jealous...and that sucks for me. What she doesn't realize is that I don't really like people anymore than she does, and I don't expect them to like me...but you have to work within the system for greater good. You have to. So, this makes me grouchy. No help and a lot of extra work. Nice, fucking nice.
And one of the guys at work, well, we talk. He finally shared a secret with me this week. It was interesting and I'm not going to publish this because in this case, it's not right. I felt honored that he told me. It was to relate to my own situation. And to tell you the truth, it was team building. If he gets stuck out, I intend to help him. We both share a love for great and different socks, as well. Socks are those little fashion tidbits that can remind you of who you really are when wearing your office monkey suit; without be oppressive to the rest of the group. He has great socks for a man.
One thing that he says though, on a fairly regular basis, is that he already knows my whole life story. I try to remind him that isn't true. Sure, I talk a lot. But,really, he only knows what I want him to know. And I really believe that you can live your whole entire life with someone and never know it all. What are you kidding me? Case in point: The doctor with the big house convicted of being a serial killer after the cops dug up his backyard to find multiple bodies. That must have been a shocker for his family. I'm not saying that I'm that type of person, mind you. I'm just saying that one must never assume they know the whole story. It's just not humanly possible. Perhaps, in time, now that he's shared a secret, I will let him in a bit more. He does have a great wife and kids, and they would be a great addition to the other great people I know. We'll see. I'm not really that fond of mixing business and my personal life. I'm not fond of being found out too much.
And to top it off, I watched a woman's movie last night. I really should have known better. It was well done. And when a movie is well done then that means it has an affect on you...that you can relate. Oh, I related alright. All the struggles this woman went through...I related alright. I related all the way back into my memory bank of stored crap. That dark crevice of shit that I don't really like to go to. Some of those places, all the therapy in the world will never cure. Some of those places. I have the hardest time understanding some of the bleeding hearts of forgiveness out there. Yes, I know what it takes to hate, and I know what it takes to forgive. Hating can take it out of you. And you would like to forgive, but, maybe it should just be alright not to do so, as well.
Sometimes there are violent things that go on in a person's life that changes that person completely and forever. I would like to think that I no longer hate, but I'm not sure that I will ever forgive. And I don't think I should have to or need to. So, I do support locking some people up forever, or getting rid of them entirely by death penalty. I know it's sad and hard to do...but, I'm not feeling like I can't get over my own feelings, when it's rape, molesting, murdering, that's up for the death penalty. Those things rape, molest, murder someone else's life forever and ever, changed. Light sentences, and rehabilitation should not be given out to those that commit these types of crimes. Come on, not really.
There are so many others that I know and love so much, and they, too, have been changed by some act of violence. In our society, we excuse these acts, all to often...and sometimes we hail them as acceptable. Example: Making taking a client to the strip club, tax-deductible.
Would we like to think that those places are just for healthy, light-hearted fun? Sure. But the reality of it, is that their not. And we send our most young, our most impressionable, our newest...to these places to work. I dare you to tell me I'm wrong. I fucking dare you. I've got stories, and more than one.
I worry these days. More than I let on. I know what's out there. And I'd like to think that my life and a few others are just isolated lives in the greater scheme of things. But their not. Hence the crappie mood. I never just have a crap mood about just my own stuff. I have a big brain and there's lots of room for everything.
We have continued to be lead around by our asses, and now the world, and our country, are paying for it. We have made this world a rich person's playground. And our people are suffering. Not just at the tax-deductible nudie bars, but even at the gas pump or the grocery store. Should I buy gas or should I buy milk? Which to buy. And, frankly, we're all working so hard for our scraps, and bombarded by so much information that we only get tiny glimpses of the full on shit machine at work. Example: Trying to read my email etc. by saying that, first it's to prevent terrorism and now it's because there's so many child molesters. Controlling by fear. I don't care. Read my emails, read my blogs...but when you find nothing but general shopping and bill paying, and the grumblings of a mad woman...I want to know what the bill is that we're footing for that luxury, you Nosey Parker? How much does something like that cost? Could it have saved us more money at the grocery store or in health costs or in feeding the hungry? Where exactly is that money going? That's my question.
I sat an watched some of the FEMA/New Orleans trials/committees. I thought to myself, I wondered, how much did that fiasco cost? If I was displaced from my home...if my home was still moldy and jacked up...I don't want a blame game committee being run...I wouldn't want money spent on copying memos and storing files and techs paid to hook up mics so everyone could hear. I would want the help that was promised to fix my city. That's what I would want. Less talk and more action. It's been months for those people and nothing. That's brilliant. We are truly a brilliantly dumbass society! Morons!
But, the thing about people that's funny...is, time and time again, rich people only have this for a bit...then someone somewhere has had enough, and then they move, or there's war. Our country was founded on it. We were out manned and out gunned, and we still kicked some serious ass. Vietnam did the same. They held their own, when invaded. My family still feels the smack of that. And, now that the planet is used up, there's nowhere to move. Statistically that does not bode well. And you can kill some of the rebels...you can kill most of the rebels, but never all of the rebels. If you kill all of the rebels then who's left to mow your lawn or clean your house? And you cannot defeat the rebel mentality. It's impossible. If someone is backed into a corner and feels that there is nothing left to loose, then there is nothing to loose and they will fight, even to their own death. Death does not scare people who have nothing. So, you're again left with...who's going to wash your car and mow your lawn? We must start to make wiser choices. It's not completely too late, I don't think. Wiser choices...that's going to take some textbook reading of course. Boring, I can tell you, but not impossible.
I would hope that people chose compassion over having it all. But, using my own life examples, I'm not sure that's very realistic. We have bred ourselves to be selfish, little snits, without much brains and a bunch of ever so flabby brawn (can you call cellulite brawn). We have become a playground of excess only. Not a community of hard work with great solid production...we take all the short cuts to excess that we can get a hold of. Example: Everything has to be SUPER...Super Kal-Mart...Super sized...everything's just fucking SUPER.
Is it?!? Is it?!? IS IT FUCKING SUPER?!?
Are you feeling SUPER?!? Cause me and my fat ass, who can't afford vegetables that aren't in a can, isn't feeling so fucking SUPER!?!
My only saving grace this week it the Gay/Lesbian family group that I have joined. In their most recent family poll, most of the children are boys being raised by mixed families. My own son, not being raised by Gays or Lesbians, but definitely a mixed family...so there is a common thread. That was my saving grace. In the end, it will be the Gay, Lesbian, Transgender that will save us all from ourselves. They are gaining in numbers and rights, and strengths. This community, being a supposed unwanted community, has taken in all of the unwanted children from the heterosexual community. And people try to stop it...except, up to taking in these children and providing for them, themselves. No, not that. The phrase:"I don't want them but you can't have them either.", well, it's not flying so much these days. These are children...who will grow up to be adults. We should all mind our P's and Q's, because children remember.
Oh, but I had dreams last night...lots of dreams. I was running so fast in my own head, hard to say if I truly got any rest.
It was a long week at work. I'm learning so much, very quickly. I'm currently buried under text books. I'm not really much of a text book learner, but, the woman who could train me, is ever so grouchy and resistant to help. For the most part, she seems to go out of her way to make me feel like a dumbass, that I'm inconveniencing her at every possible moment. I don't think she does it on purpose...she's just very unhappy. It's been noticed by others, and I just end up covering for her about that, as she may be one of the smartest people that I know, and she is a value to the company with her vast experience...she's just a lonely, socially inept, pain in the ass.
But, back to me...I'm buried under textbooks and that always makes me grouchy. I will always learn things one way or another. And the funny thing is, we both have the same goals...we're just completely different at arriving at the end. She doesn't like to network, she doesn't like people. Well, to tell you the truth, I don't either. However, I see this as a necessary evil in business, and can be the less painful route to go through in process, and often time involves a lunch..or, at least, a delightful desert and a great cup of coffee. She wants to advance and so do I. And I've come to find out that the field we're in is becoming a woman dominated field (something I've never seen, that's not nursing or cooking, or naked dancing...). We can advance. But, we're not going to just be recognized for our knowledge...that never happens. You have to market yourself.
That's why, she's traded companies and kept her same type job, and I have always continued to move up. I can see this to be a problem later. She's going to get mad, and jealous...and that sucks for me. What she doesn't realize is that I don't really like people anymore than she does, and I don't expect them to like me...but you have to work within the system for greater good. You have to. So, this makes me grouchy. No help and a lot of extra work. Nice, fucking nice.
And one of the guys at work, well, we talk. He finally shared a secret with me this week. It was interesting and I'm not going to publish this because in this case, it's not right. I felt honored that he told me. It was to relate to my own situation. And to tell you the truth, it was team building. If he gets stuck out, I intend to help him. We both share a love for great and different socks, as well. Socks are those little fashion tidbits that can remind you of who you really are when wearing your office monkey suit; without be oppressive to the rest of the group. He has great socks for a man.
One thing that he says though, on a fairly regular basis, is that he already knows my whole life story. I try to remind him that isn't true. Sure, I talk a lot. But,really, he only knows what I want him to know. And I really believe that you can live your whole entire life with someone and never know it all. What are you kidding me? Case in point: The doctor with the big house convicted of being a serial killer after the cops dug up his backyard to find multiple bodies. That must have been a shocker for his family. I'm not saying that I'm that type of person, mind you. I'm just saying that one must never assume they know the whole story. It's just not humanly possible. Perhaps, in time, now that he's shared a secret, I will let him in a bit more. He does have a great wife and kids, and they would be a great addition to the other great people I know. We'll see. I'm not really that fond of mixing business and my personal life. I'm not fond of being found out too much.
And to top it off, I watched a woman's movie last night. I really should have known better. It was well done. And when a movie is well done then that means it has an affect on you...that you can relate. Oh, I related alright. All the struggles this woman went through...I related alright. I related all the way back into my memory bank of stored crap. That dark crevice of shit that I don't really like to go to. Some of those places, all the therapy in the world will never cure. Some of those places. I have the hardest time understanding some of the bleeding hearts of forgiveness out there. Yes, I know what it takes to hate, and I know what it takes to forgive. Hating can take it out of you. And you would like to forgive, but, maybe it should just be alright not to do so, as well.
Sometimes there are violent things that go on in a person's life that changes that person completely and forever. I would like to think that I no longer hate, but I'm not sure that I will ever forgive. And I don't think I should have to or need to. So, I do support locking some people up forever, or getting rid of them entirely by death penalty. I know it's sad and hard to do...but, I'm not feeling like I can't get over my own feelings, when it's rape, molesting, murdering, that's up for the death penalty. Those things rape, molest, murder someone else's life forever and ever, changed. Light sentences, and rehabilitation should not be given out to those that commit these types of crimes. Come on, not really.
There are so many others that I know and love so much, and they, too, have been changed by some act of violence. In our society, we excuse these acts, all to often...and sometimes we hail them as acceptable. Example: Making taking a client to the strip club, tax-deductible.
Would we like to think that those places are just for healthy, light-hearted fun? Sure. But the reality of it, is that their not. And we send our most young, our most impressionable, our newest...to these places to work. I dare you to tell me I'm wrong. I fucking dare you. I've got stories, and more than one.
I worry these days. More than I let on. I know what's out there. And I'd like to think that my life and a few others are just isolated lives in the greater scheme of things. But their not. Hence the crappie mood. I never just have a crap mood about just my own stuff. I have a big brain and there's lots of room for everything.
We have continued to be lead around by our asses, and now the world, and our country, are paying for it. We have made this world a rich person's playground. And our people are suffering. Not just at the tax-deductible nudie bars, but even at the gas pump or the grocery store. Should I buy gas or should I buy milk? Which to buy. And, frankly, we're all working so hard for our scraps, and bombarded by so much information that we only get tiny glimpses of the full on shit machine at work. Example: Trying to read my email etc. by saying that, first it's to prevent terrorism and now it's because there's so many child molesters. Controlling by fear. I don't care. Read my emails, read my blogs...but when you find nothing but general shopping and bill paying, and the grumblings of a mad woman...I want to know what the bill is that we're footing for that luxury, you Nosey Parker? How much does something like that cost? Could it have saved us more money at the grocery store or in health costs or in feeding the hungry? Where exactly is that money going? That's my question.
I sat an watched some of the FEMA/New Orleans trials/committees. I thought to myself, I wondered, how much did that fiasco cost? If I was displaced from my home...if my home was still moldy and jacked up...I don't want a blame game committee being run...I wouldn't want money spent on copying memos and storing files and techs paid to hook up mics so everyone could hear. I would want the help that was promised to fix my city. That's what I would want. Less talk and more action. It's been months for those people and nothing. That's brilliant. We are truly a brilliantly dumbass society! Morons!
But, the thing about people that's funny...is, time and time again, rich people only have this for a bit...then someone somewhere has had enough, and then they move, or there's war. Our country was founded on it. We were out manned and out gunned, and we still kicked some serious ass. Vietnam did the same. They held their own, when invaded. My family still feels the smack of that. And, now that the planet is used up, there's nowhere to move. Statistically that does not bode well. And you can kill some of the rebels...you can kill most of the rebels, but never all of the rebels. If you kill all of the rebels then who's left to mow your lawn or clean your house? And you cannot defeat the rebel mentality. It's impossible. If someone is backed into a corner and feels that there is nothing left to loose, then there is nothing to loose and they will fight, even to their own death. Death does not scare people who have nothing. So, you're again left with...who's going to wash your car and mow your lawn? We must start to make wiser choices. It's not completely too late, I don't think. Wiser choices...that's going to take some textbook reading of course. Boring, I can tell you, but not impossible.
I would hope that people chose compassion over having it all. But, using my own life examples, I'm not sure that's very realistic. We have bred ourselves to be selfish, little snits, without much brains and a bunch of ever so flabby brawn (can you call cellulite brawn). We have become a playground of excess only. Not a community of hard work with great solid production...we take all the short cuts to excess that we can get a hold of. Example: Everything has to be SUPER...Super Kal-Mart...Super sized...everything's just fucking SUPER.
Is it?!? Is it?!? IS IT FUCKING SUPER?!?
Are you feeling SUPER?!? Cause me and my fat ass, who can't afford vegetables that aren't in a can, isn't feeling so fucking SUPER!?!
My only saving grace this week it the Gay/Lesbian family group that I have joined. In their most recent family poll, most of the children are boys being raised by mixed families. My own son, not being raised by Gays or Lesbians, but definitely a mixed family...so there is a common thread. That was my saving grace. In the end, it will be the Gay, Lesbian, Transgender that will save us all from ourselves. They are gaining in numbers and rights, and strengths. This community, being a supposed unwanted community, has taken in all of the unwanted children from the heterosexual community. And people try to stop it...except, up to taking in these children and providing for them, themselves. No, not that. The phrase:"I don't want them but you can't have them either.", well, it's not flying so much these days. These are children...who will grow up to be adults. We should all mind our P's and Q's, because children remember.
This situation is both funny, and fitting, I think. This community raught by violence and disapproval will be the one that takes over. I'm not psychic, but I'm prophetic. And in the end, you find that they're not that different. The only real difference, is the strive for family values, hard work, kindness and compassion. That part is the kicker for all the I'm Right All the Time Wing people. I have found I have more in common with this community, than I ever did at the First Baptist Church I grew up with. And these men and women have great socks, too.
And, the majority of white male America and other's have already begun to tailor their lifestyles to be inclusive of this group, only missing the bigger picture by their us of the male prostitutes, glory holes and jack shacks...but, I'm thinking they'll come along eventually to the goodness and put this all behind them (no pun intended).
And what cracks me up even more, and perhaps makes my mood even harder and edgier...it that I read and what the science channel and magazines and books have to say is going on...and there's so much more out there that we destroy every day without even noticing in all of our excess. Things we will forget before we even learn about them. But, you never see that on the news...never that stuff. We are making ourselves stupider by the nano-second. And sometimes it's lonely not having that many people to talk to about the wonders of the world. And it's sad for me that my time is so short, and I will never learn it all. So much that's so cool.
So, today, I will study, I will take to my textbooks and advance my career, I will play with my child, and I will dream of a better place filled with kind men in dresses and beautiful make-up that lead me to fountains of great food and good knowledge. Isaac and Rosie will be my new Gods for this day.
And what cracks me up even more, and perhaps makes my mood even harder and edgier...it that I read and what the science channel and magazines and books have to say is going on...and there's so much more out there that we destroy every day without even noticing in all of our excess. Things we will forget before we even learn about them. But, you never see that on the news...never that stuff. We are making ourselves stupider by the nano-second. And sometimes it's lonely not having that many people to talk to about the wonders of the world. And it's sad for me that my time is so short, and I will never learn it all. So much that's so cool.
So, today, I will study, I will take to my textbooks and advance my career, I will play with my child, and I will dream of a better place filled with kind men in dresses and beautiful make-up that lead me to fountains of great food and good knowledge. Isaac and Rosie will be my new Gods for this day.
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