Dear Cute Guy that hit on me today.

Dear Cute Guy that Hit on Me Today,

You and I did seem like we had a lot in common.  And you were really handsome.  (Although, you could probably brush your teeth after lunch, just to heighten the effect.)  You were actually quite savvy about putting out the signals.  In fact, since I'm getting out of a huge mess of a relationship that was over a decade -shit, I almost missed them.  No fault of your own, simply my not thinking AT ALL, along those lines. Bit beat down, and out of sorts, I am.  But, you should know that when I did finally catch on, there really is a part of me that wished I were ready for that.  I think it would have been fun. You were terribly handsome, nice, intelligent.  I wouldn't wait for me though...it's going to be a long-ass while.  However, for a minute you did lift me out of my inner turmoil.   Thank you for that.

Best Wishes Cute Guy.  Best Wishes.
 

The divorce...even though we were never married. It's the longest brake up ever. And I hate it. I'm not glad you're finding yourself.

I'm sad.  Sad because I memorized you.  I let you in to make that permanent mark.  Given my understanding of humanity, those permanent marks are so few. I'm sad that we're a boring statistic....so, unbelievably sad.

I'm embarrassed. Embarrassed by the tears that just start on their own and won't stop, every single time I see you.  How many tears is one person allowed?  This is ridiculous.  The make-up that I put on just smears. Why as I putting the make-up on? Embarrassed.

I'm jealous.  I'm jealous that you are getting every thing that you want, and I have to pick up the slack, and rebuild for two.  That I have to fix everything, and make sure everything is right on track. 

I'm angry.  I'm angry that you take no responsibility for the hurt and disruption you left in your wake.  I'm angry that you see us as being friends. You actually said that.   Seriously?!?  How did you work that out in your head?  Friends?  No, not now. Couldn't be bothered to work on the love...and friends have love, too.  So, no work, no love. It will be a business.

In time it will be a business.... strictly business. 

Frustrated.  I am frustrated because this is a normal thing.  These tears and the mess are an average thing.  There are websites, and books, and groups...all about this thing...this average thing.  And I want this thing gone, I want this thing done.  But, that's not how this kind of thing works.  It sucks.  It takes time.

I thought the thing that I had memorized was better and more special than that.

Boy, was I wrong.