The funny thing about doublespeak is it is definitely hard to listen to and much harder to decipher. I have discovered that I am not long for the powerbottom world. I get it why secretaries and artists are drunk, alike. It would be easier if people were just honest and hard working. I laugh out loud, at that sentence. As if such a place existed. We grow up to be such assholes.
This week, we had a meeting of the minds, at work. I laugh outlouad at that sentence, too. We were all fed the party line of how we are a team. A Team, the A Team, the best darn tootin' team ever! We are just a little, bitty, cutey, booty team, right now...but, soon, we're going to be a big boy team...just like other teams in our field...why, yes, we are!
The part that I noticed, during this ever too long speech, was that the power ups, never asked us about ourselves. We were told that the team would make use of everyone's special talents, but we were never asked about what we thought our special talents might be. We were told that the team would make use of us in areas that we liked to progress in, yet, we were never asked what we would like to progress in. As a team, we must not really know eachother. We must not talk about such things.
Example: I learned that it was in all confidence, that a man at our job and his wife had lost their baby...it was in all confidence, but everyone knew, so keep it very hush-hush. The appropriated "Oh that's so sads, and that's just awfuls" were said. That part was discussed with great fake passion, over lattes. I almost choked on my free latte. Oh, the horror. I don't want to spit up in my free latte.
We were, however, enlightened about thoroughbred horses, and who owned one, and all the funny quips that come from owning one. And wine country...we all talked about wine country. I said that I didn't really drink wine, I have an allergy. And I, instead, told the story, about how, most recently, at a marketing dinner, my companion, did the whole thing about tasting the wine, and smelling the cork, over a twenty dollar table wine...and it made me giggle. "Oh this is awful!!! This fucking twenty dollar bottle of table wine. I send it back! I send it back, I tell you! And don't you dare serve me another bottle of cheap wine like this again!!! We'll go with the TEN DOLLAR BOTTLE!!!!"
And I also, stated that I just liked Lancer's in the Green bottle. Man was I in trouble. Despite any other obvious work related talents that I may contain.....Guess who's not moving up...go ahead, make that guess. Perhaps, I should not put forth my grand recipe for Halloween punch that's made in part with the green version of MadDog 20/20....I'm just saying, that perhaps, I keep that one to myself.
And what I've discovered, the more smoke that you blow up someone's ass, the more that you are respected, and the more you get to move up. There is one person, who just flat out lies about stuff, and is currently the office favorite. I'm not kidding...flat out lies....makes shit up....completely fabricates entire conversations - like they are the God's honest truth.
Example: I took this said person to a marketing event. I am still quite nervous about meeting people, but for the good of the company, I force my own hand to make the introductions. There was a woman, at this event, who is a national person..SHE IS A FED. She is a mammoth of a woman, in both, body shape and reputation. But, here went nothing. I marched right up, smoozed and got the lunch. I conquered the Mammouth!!!
LiarPants was outside smoking...not even in the room. Other women, in my low paid group, at the event, celebrated with me, my accomplishment of getting the lunch with this very high up, nationalized woman. Did I say that she's a FED? I need to make sure that everyone gets that. It's a very important detail to my self promotion.
When, I was back at the office, gleaming of my triumph, and pushing forth the woman's card, LiarPants said that this woman was someone's ex-assistant who had just gotten lucky and moved up the ranks. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD!!!
I believe that this Fed-woman's education was from and Ivy League, and I can assure you, that just in talking to this woman, she was never an assistant. And LiarPants NEVER TALKED TO HER. The lunch, that I had set forth with sweaty palm and everything, was accepted by others in the office, and a nice attempt on my part, but really their hopes were to get the top dogs. I'm not sure that getting a lunch with anyone past the feds, for us, without going through the feds, is possible. Go ahead, LiarPants, call up the Prez, and see if he has time to golf with us.
I just about fell right out of my ergonomically, correctly adjusted office chair. Fell, right there, on the carpet, in front of the big color printer and everything. I only caught myself by the edge of the putty grey file cabinet, I tell you. A near miss.
I'm not the only one, who knows this is going on. However, being so low in the eyes of the PowerBottoms, we are powerless to say anything or stop it. And what's worse, is LiarPants not only tries to do the work that was assigned, but tries to do the rest of our work, too. It is out of control. Reading other people's faxes before delivering, and the like. Thank you, I say, but yes, I can seal that FedEx by myself. I do appreciate the offer, but after I seal it, I can hopefully find the Outbox, by myself...but, I do feel better knowing that you're there, just in case. THANKSSSSSSSSS!
I get it, that LiarPants is insecure, and just needs love, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. But, how do you tell someone that they would get the love they grave, if they weren't trying to hard. Basing love on lies never works....haven't you read and learned anything from Danielle Steel?!?
And my word on that wouldn't hold water, when the bad behavior is being rewarded by a bunch of other similar sick fucks. The needy hang out in unbelievable numbers! See the popularity of Benny Hinn...not Benny Hill, Benny Hinn.
The rest of us are left with those quiet complaint whisper times. Jeez, those are so boring, and really do not offer any relief. Did you see how LiarPants did that? I DID!!! I can't believe it! I would certainly never do that!!! Me neither!!! (Secret handshake, and pinky swear.)
And the one-upmanship is a constant. I can't keep up. There are two of us, that no matter what we say, we are wrong. And how can I compete with the fact that LiarPants went to school with Bush's Cousin!!!!?!!? How can I compete with the likes of that? I dare point out that going to school with anyone, has yet to help LiarPants...we are at the same pay rate. But, who am I? I once met Clint Eastwood in a downtown elevator. He was nice, but I didn't get anything other that a handshake out of the whole entire ride. Please don't tell me that I have to suck someone's dick. I just don't think that I can. If I have to go that route, than I'm going solo, and starting my own business. Those ladies bank! Look at Monica...she did quite well. She sucked the prize wiener, and got national attention for it! If you're going to suck dick, that is definitely the way to go!
As I am not a meek person, this has been very unsettling for my bowels. Having to behave myself, and keep quite, it the hardest thing ever. I've wanted to say, quite loudly, that I have constipation everyday, and it's your fault...in fact, I have constipation right now. Let me check, yes, yes, I'm constipated right now. Perhaps, if I bend over, spread my cheeks, and you could just blow smoke up my ass, it will help loosen things up a bit. Would you mind? Just a minute, this belt is stuck. AAAAHHHH, smoke up my ass...the heavenly scent of the sweet perfumed incense of big business. Could you kiss it a little, too? THANKSSSSSSSS!!! You're a peach, yes, you are!
I have brought my Feng Sui egg to work, my calming teas, and silver amulets, my perfume herbs, and let me tell you...nothing works. The force is stong in these people. I am hoping next week to announce that I am moving my desk to the other room, in guise that I need more space for my obviously developing workload. But, I'm hoping the change of rooms will force these two, to just communicate with me by email, and thus calming the air waves that have been disturbed by the constant clatter of agreement of nonsense, and one-upmanship.
I almost got lost in the swill again, like at other jobs, the same as this one. But, today, with the idea of moving rooms that came to me in a guided meditation, from what I believe might just be my spirit guide...there is promise, there is hope, that I, too, might find a tiny sliver of peace in earning a paycheck from whoring my soul out to the boggy mudpit that is big business.
Let us all pray.
No comments:
Post a Comment