I hope I get in everything that I want to say this morning. At present, I just woke up from a dream of great magnitude and I am trying to comprehend it all - but the coffee is making it dissipate faster than I'd like it to, and the cat is pissed off and tearing up random pieces of my old dictionary and eating it. Fucking cat. I really love him, but when a cat is pissed off at you, they don't play nice. What's going to make it worse, is that I'm completely out of the fake mice that he likes to decapitate and torture. Frankly, I'm a bit afraid of what he'll tear up next if I let him in on that little tidbit of information.
There now...I've gotten him some catnip. He's much more calm, now that he's stoned. Yet, another reason to perhaps make pot legal. Take a hint from the cat. I don't care for it...but, you never see a stoned person freaking out and eating a dictionary....that's for sure. Perhaps if our people in office we more stoned, they'd be less likely to go off invading things, and more stay at home and share to potato chips, less greedy fine dressing and fine buying type. Just a thought.
Back to my dream. My dream recalled a past me. I am a recovering chubby chaser. If you can recover from such a thing. I loved chubby guys...not over obese...just chubby and manly. Once you've had a chubby, it's hard to come back from that. And chubby guys really are jollier, and more up for adventure, and fun...as though not have ridged muscles lines somehow turned off the rigedness of their mind and thinking as well. When your having sex with a chubby, there's no sharp edges or jaunting points...the only thing that's ever going to hit you is soft smoothness. It's all good. I raise my coffee mug to you, the chubby guy nation. I am fond of my chubby guy memories...oh the stories. You would find them shocking, I'm sure of it.
It dawned on me this morning that a diary or a blog, or whatever vehicle you choose...you can be just as you are. You're thoughts can be recorded just as you are. And we do spend so much time being not as we are. I was dreaming of a Junie that used to be. I was a bit more free. Then I had a child and the fear of others set in...an I became a responsible, more conservative, masked human, in order to protect my child. Dreaming last night, I thought this morning if that is the legacy that I want to leave him with. Probably not.
I might be more inclined to be a right-wing, conservative, Christian type - as I had been led to be through all of my formative years - except for the amount of hypocrisy in that faction. Here in the US, in Texas, there was recently a National Day of Prayer. This group read the Bible from beginning to end, right in the State Capital Building. Everyone was offered the chance to come and join them. With the amount of poverty on the rise, the amount of war on the rise, drug use, gambling, and porn on the rise....well, I declined. I'm not really seeing the benefits of that culture. Nope, not so much. I was saddened that other prayer groups were not invited to join. If it was truly going to be a National Day...then the entire Nation should have been invited. And I can't even really get started on the separation of church and state that is no longer observed. God and religion is used to control the masses. That not so tangible promise that if you join, you're afterlife will kickass, more than your sorry shitty current life. I'm not sure that's what God meant. Why would we be given paradise and then be locked out forever? My only thought on that, it that God said to himself "Oopsy! I made a shitload of jackasses." And then, has left us to flounder alone until his embarrassing mistake just dies off, and hopefully goes unnoticed by the rest of the cosmos. Yes, a big, giant Oopsy...that's what we are. Poor God...everyone can make a mistake, right?
Anyway...I recently did a voice over, a narration of some dirty stories that a friend wrote. Hopefully, these will be made public soon. I think people will find them funny and entertaining, and probably offensive. One person that I know, who was completely offended by these stories, on every level, asked me why I would lend my voice to such a thing. Why not?, I said. I don't have to be the person in the story, I am reading the story. It's like acting. We don't really believe that a actor playing Hitler is really Hitler, do we? It's our imagination, that's it. Also, I think people need to be offended sometimes. Being offended brings you back to yourself. And saying offensive things is fun. When we tell dirty jokes or say a cuss word...it's the same thing. And perhaps, in narrating these stories, I got to see the part of myself that remembers to be funny and carefree. So, I'm ok with that. And when my child is old enough to hear these stories, I'm ok with that, too. He should know what kind of mother he really had, and take whatever lessons he's going to take from that. I should not mask those lessons from him, frankly, that's not being a good parent.
I guess my dream was one of confliction. I miss the purple haired, sometimes drunk, tattooed, chubby chaser. How am I to get back to that person, when I just spent $100.00 on conservative clothes to mask myself at the office. It's funny how we do those things. As though, sitting in my Sammy Hager (who I don't like, and that's why it's funny) t-shirt, means that I would be less of a person, less of a diligent worker, dumber than normal worker. How am I do teach my child that he can be anything he wants to be, except in our world where that means not really? Are we to teach or children the fantasy or the truth? Should I tell him that the majority of people go to the prayer circle and when it's over attend the circle jerk to relieve their oppressive feelings? And how his own mother didn't escape this, as his own mother wore the conservative mask the majority of her life to feed and clothe him, but then wrote, painted, and lent her voice to sometimes dirty art in hope of retaining some of her own normality? Is that what we're going to say?
Am I to say that the world is only itself on the weekends?
Yeah, go ahead and tell me God isn't saying Oopsy.
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