I played this game online until I found the phrase that I wanted. Some one on that game had a sense of humor. And what of me? Gaining knowledge from a being an online gamer? Well, you can draw your own conclusions, I suppose.
Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level, and then beat you with their experience.
Oh, yeah, ain't that the truth.
So, we still hang people, do we. We still drag people from the backs of pick-up trucks in my state, sometimes. Everyone so excited to hang someone. The TV was all the rage with violence this weekend. Torture displays to justify the hanging. Torture images to justify a war. It's a fucking place where you want to hurt someone else that bad. It's a weird place to want to hurt an entire nation of people. We just keep repeating that lesson. With the same results. As if the lessons recorded by Piggy, in Lord of the Flies, was a recording of real life, not fiction. We just keep producing people to do this kind of crap.
I was at coffee last night. I spoke about my childhood fights. I grew up in a place where people were so bored that's what they did....drink and fight. I was lucky, I was so scared every time that most times I won. Note that the word won...well, it goes there. That word won.
I can only recall one fight that I had where I was the attacker. No real reason for the attack. It was a fight about being part of the group, about being cool, about being top dog. It was stupid. It was ego. And after I beat this girl up...let the rage in me take over...I stood tall looking at what I had done...and I puked. I puked hard. It was as if my body knew more than myself. My body had the reaction first. My body knew that is was vile and rejected it. My body rejected the evil. I never did that again. I had learned my lesson.
I don't think that it's hard to learn that lesson. I suppose it's a valuable lesson, in some aspects. I don't live in much fear. I know what I'm capable of doing should the occasion call for it.
I had a stalker during my pregnancy. He was a neighbor. He went crazy on drugs and alcohol, and focused on me. He had said outloud that he wanted to cut out my baby and kill me. He banged on the walls separating our apartments. He followed me to my car, the trash can...everywhere. The cops couldn't really do much. The laws are such, that he would have to actually attack, then they could get him. I was asked if I had a gun.
I had a gun.
I sat with that gun one night, when the neighbor was loud and scary. I just started crying. I was asked if I could kill this man if I had to. Yes, I could kill him. Yes, I would if it were him or my baby. But, I cried.
The idea that I would have to do this. The idea that my unborn where hear the blast. The idea that my child would know that as one of his first things to know. Jesus was that just so stupid. I mourned deeply for that idea. I mourned deeply for the sadness and loneliness that my neighbor must have, that was making him act out, that might cost him his life. I thought how stupid we all were for not having a better plan. It wasn't a special circumstance. Lots of women go through this every year...and men too...children, too. We have built hiding places for people. We have had to build hiding places...Pause and think about that.
There are so many against the death penalty. I cannot say that if I had been under the rule of this man, that I wouldn't want to see him hanged. I cannot say that if someone hurt my family, I wouldn't want them dead, that I wouldn't want to do the killing myself. We are all capable of that emotion...even if you say you've not got it...that's a lie...a lie to yourself...it's in all of us. But, I didn't watch the TV...I turned it off. Why?
Well, there's a fine line, the tiniest line, between killing because you have to, and killing because your ignorant, or killing because you feel like it.
And we should all mourn a killing.
We are not connected as a world...there aren't many secrets anymore. We can do better. I have to do better.
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