miraculous phenomenon

The thing about doing major drugs, be they legally induced or not, you can have epiphany or two.

The whole time that I've been taking these steroids I've been thinking...lots. A bit of a side effect of the medication itself. And I've gotten to take a good look around, being a bit out of the scene. I mean to say that I'm physically there, somewhat, but it's really more like I'm watching rather than participating.

I spent the week in observance, and in commentary. When I've been bored I've been leaving phone messages on a friend of mine's ole school answering machine. He is so kind to allow me that. Little fucked up nuggets of wisdom that I incurred during my trip. He says that their brilliant. Maybe they are...but maybe I'm just leaving a piece of myself to be retold later. The best way to live forever is have other people tell stories about you. I'm not without ego.

I found out this week how ordinary I am. How ordinary everyone is. I sometimes get fooled. I'm terribly insecure...at what age to do begin to shake that? Maybe now...hard to say if once the drugs leave my system I will still think this way.

A few years ago, it was my birthday. There was a party and I was completely smashed. I was in my CP-30 pj set wrestling for beers against my friend who was wearing my Mexican wrestlers mask. My landlady came over and said there had been some complaints about the noise. I told her to come back at six, then there would be something to complain about. I always wondered why she didn't just call the cops. She could have, but she didn't. I was drunk and horny. I slept with one of the guys at my party. I didn't really think that I would have much to do with him after that. I didn't count on it. He was just some guy...he didn't even look like one of the guys that I normally attached myself to...just some guy.

Two weeks later, I was taking the pregnancy test. And me, the dog and the cat, all sitting in the bathroom watching for the double pink line. I already knew...maybe, I knew right when it happened, the jizz and the egg, swirling...micro changes that come from that to be so huge it can take your breath away.

I was to be somebody's mother. It's a weird feeling. Sure it's one of awesome weight...but, then there's just this sense of being ok with it...it's just nature...it's what is supposed to happen.

I didn't have insurance. The doctor at the free clinic told me that people like me shouldn't be having children. I asked him if he had been to Wal-Mart lately. He fucked off.

My own father and his new wife told me they thought it was best if I had an abortion. I quit speaking to them...it was only logical.

During my pregnancy, I wasn't like other mothers. I didn't feel like my son was a part of me, in the traditional sense. I felt this other human. I felt like he was just renting space in me. He was already making his own decisions. I was only to guide, support, and bare witness. He was his own human. There would be things that I would get to see, and just as much that I would never get to know, because he was a different person than me, only connected by some blood lines and some tissue for a bit of time.

Tomorrow by son is starting school. His first day. We've met the teacher. My son thinks that she is pretty.

We bought him school clothes, and supplies. He has his lunch money ready, all ready...in his new velcro superhero wallet. He does not want to take his lunch. My son is handsome. And he's funny, really funny. He's smart, and has feelings, and generally likes most things. He is prepared. He's now going out of the house to start the next phase. It's a big deal. I am proud and my heart aches. He is not just a little baby anymore...whispers of the man that he will become have started. Be they whispers, I can still hear them.

We have a family. The three of us, have a family.

I stood by while he picked out his first day outfit. I watched his small hand lay the socks next to his pants with care. Then changing his mind, and changing what pants he was going to wear, and laying the socks back down again.

If we are such fuck ups, and weirdos, and the kind of people who could have been contenders, etc. How could I have been so fucking lucky to end up with such a big man who helped me bare such wonderful moments with this tiny human as these? Not luck...no not luck.

We are that cool. We are just that cool. My family is just that cool.