I haven't been writing. What most people don't get about me, maybe some do, when I'm not talking/writing it's because whatever I'm not wanting to talk about is a secret to myself. Ok, Ok, now having put it on page, out on the Internet, everyone is going to know. I don't talk when I'm thinking of personal, secret things....the things I keep to myself. That's when I'm the most quiet. So, want to know when I'm keeping my secrets? Watch for when I'm not talking.
I talked to an ex-coworker yesterday. He read my blog. And he wanted to know why I never told him that I was a stripper. I didn't tell him because first of all, I never thought it very interesting. I was a horrible stripper, and only did it for a bit, before becoming a successful waitress - that's where the real money is at. And people like to pretend that there's something different about working in a strip club vs. working in an office. It's not different, same plots and politics. So, I didn't think it made for entertaining stories. I don't really talk much about working in an office either. Neither are the particularly interesting parts about myself; aside from the occasional memory of a instance at either place. To me, the stories where never in the jobs themselves, maybe not even me in the stories, but the people or the events I witnessed to regale later. Hard to say.
The past couple of years have been hard. Maybe harder than I wanted to admit. My MS has started to take my brain and strength...as it's supposed to. And time and fate have taken some friends and family, as it too is supposed to. Well, the MS has also taken people from me...You really do find out who's in it for the long hall when you turn gimp, sure do. I had to quit working, a couple of people died, I've gained weight, etc., etc., etc. My doctor thinks I need counseling. Oh, that old thing again. I've been enough times in my life to know what they're going to say. I actually know already what to do. So, given my current state of finances, I don't really see the need to spend the money on things I already know. I just need to be quiet a little while longer, that's all. Quiet and distracted by things unimportant. There's been a lot of grief there, these past couple of years. So, is it the depression acting up again? Is it the MS, playing with my brain. Maybe. Or maybe, I've just needed to be quiet. Quiet thought and the grief process go hand in hand.
I was always loud and funny, and an ace at deflection. I'm not sure just how many people I've encountered actually know just how very sensitive I actually am.
I'm not ready to write yet about all the things that are mine, that I'm grieving about. I will, just not yet. I'm close, but just not yet. And even if I wrote it all done, would it really be that interesting? Would it make me feel better?
And these past couple of years, I'm not the only one who's been grieving. I've been watching a dear friend in the process of loosing his mother. I love this man, very much, such a good friend. And I'm only just able to watch and talk. But, I'm not magic, I can't wash this pain away for him. So, I find that there are certain unfair inadequacies in friendships. I've watched as my father lost his sister, his mother, and now is brother - the last of his nuclear family go. And no really concrete words exchange between us, because we're just not that close. I watched another friend take care of her ex-husband, who had a stroke after o.d.ing on drugs. She did it so her children, who are still busy growing up, didn't have to do it. (This one story was super admirable, and amazing.) I bought BBQ sauce from New Jersey because a gaming friend needed the money, and what doing what he could to survive. I watched neighborhoods flood and the burn, people loosing friends, family members, pets, homes. I even watched the Government argue over the most ridiculous items for what?....the betterment of what?...the moral structure of the nation?, the world? Yeah, good luck with that. I'm not sure we truly ever had morals per say. Just awesome oneupmanship.
Boy, I do sound depressed...all doom and gloom. But, that's not all of it. It's really not. There have been babies born. And some neighbors helping neighbors. My hair actually grew out a bit. My home is good, my man is good, my child is good. So, not it's not all doom and gloom. I'm not at my whits end or anything. I'm just quiet about the secret stuff. And when I'm done being quiet, I will talk about it. But, not today.
Today, well, I wrote this. And today, I'm going to gather some items for the people who recently lost their stuff in a fire. Today, I've got some stuff to do. And when I feel like talking, I'll let you know.
