I've had the flu for about a week now. It feels like a month. I can't keep track of the days vs. the nights. What time is it now? Did I take a bath today? Did I eat? Should I bathe? Should I eat? The boredom of it all...listless, feeling like shit....not caring too much that I'm bored, but then completely overwhelmed by being bored. Thankfully, I have TiVo to remind me what day it actually is by my recorded series manager and reality shows. Yes, thank God for that.
Being high on fever, my mind wanders. I opened a thing of applesauce, and almost put it in my cup of Miso soup. In my head that seemed normal, completely normal....catching myself at the last minute...feeling like I needed to check myself and realizing that I just needed a spoon for the apple sauce....and, rebelling completely against the feeling that it was still the right action to put it in the soup. Yeah, I'd better not drive anywhere right now. Better not....but, jesus, I feel like shit and am so bored. I don't have anywhere to go, but my own sick head. I want to smoke, can't. I want to eat pie, can't. I can't do anything. Even the cats are yelling at my blank stare. No, kitties, I can't change your cat box right now. Yeah, just go on the floor. The guys won't help me with you, because I'm the one that brought you all home. And you can't just go outside, you all took off your collars, remember? Just a few days. I feel like shit.
I saw a gingy on the television. I've never been a fan of the redhaired. Not really, at all. Yuck. White pasty skin with bright read hair....seems so wrong. Like the color wheel of human evolution got offended by something we did, or somewhere we went....yep, got pissed off and made the gingies. Oh, don't get so made at me....it's just a personal preference. And of course, there are exceptions to every group, even the gingies. It's just super rare that there's a hot gingy....I didn't make the fucking rules. The color orange doesn't look good anywhere but on a fucking orange, and maybe the sun....but, that's it. I didn't make the rules, sad gingy.
I knew a gingy once, when I was homeless. I chose some pretty bad places to be...anywhere but some place that used to be home. I don't remember his name. He was a drug dealer, and had been in prison. Not a high level dealer....not hanging with the likes of me. A bit white trash, and he was an amputee. His right arm just didn't have a hand. He was short and thin. And his one arm was just a bit smaller than the other, and it just stopped, no hand. It was slightly rounded around the edges of the nub, and normal pallor. It just looked like it was normal that way, all short and nubby, but your brain knew it wasn't normal and something seriously wrong had happened there. I did stare sometimes, wondering things like how the blood flowed in less time. I never wanted to touch it, like I might catch the nubbiness of it. And watching him move around with it. Yeah, he could move around with it, but he couldn't write with it....let's be reasonable....thumbs just do come in handy for some things.
I think it was some farm accident. Which is kind of funny in itself....all the accidents with farm equipment. You'd think we'd learn to turn things off before we put our hands in.
We got along alright. He told me once, when he was drunk and making a pass at me, about his sexual prowess with his amputated stump. I was a bit drunk, too. He told me how he would put his stump inside of the chick, and how much they loved it. I just blew it off....guys always like to tell stories of all the "awesome" stuff they can do. Blah, blah, blah.....That ole story again, like a broken record.
Years later, I was working at a bar. It was dark, and late, and I had my tray full of shots and beers. Holy shit. There was the gingy amputee, right there....the night lights passing back and forth over him. Even though it didn't seem like it, I was along way away from where I was when we knew each other back then. Yeah, I could be a little more picky about the company I kept. I had some things to loose now. I didn't want to have the reunion. I didn't want to have the so what are you doing now talk. Jesus, he still had a nub and red hair. The crowd was growing anyway, and it was dark, and I was busy. I could avoid it. I kept an eye on him, off and on, to see where he was, to adjust my space to not be in his.
Behind the wait station, I watched him wave his god damned nub in the air for service. Wow, another thing a nub was good for. I remembered what he said about women and his nub. Nub fucking.
I never saw him again. But, seeing the gingy on TV brought it all back. I used to work at a pretty sleazy porn shop for a bit. But, I couldn't remember any amputee porn. There had to be some, given all the other complete craziness I've seen....there had to be, right?!?!!
I called a trusted friend. This friend is trusted because I could call up and ask questions about things like amputee porn, and he would still love me, and not hang up the phone.....now, that's a friend.
I told him about the gingy amputee guy I knew. And what he had said. My friend searched for me, and sent me a couple of links to view.
And there it all was, all laid out, people with nubs having sex...using their nubs to have sex....nubby projectiles. I watched all the links a few times each...my mind turning them over and over.
I wasn't turned on. Maybe because of the harshness of all these examples of nub sex. I had to wonder if there was some kind of softcore nub porn with a back story of love that might get to me. Maybe, but, I doubted it. If someone I loved suddenly had a nub, could I do it? I'm not sure I could. And then how sad is that?....What kind of asshole am I that I couldn't even had nub sex with someone I loved? I would just be grossed out and tell them no. What kid of asshole was I?
On the other hand, what kind of pervert are you to want to fuck a nub? Do you have to put everything weird in every orifice just because there's a hole there? We are really stupid when it comes to sex. Now, I can't get all holier than thou.....but, we are ALL pretty stupid when it comes to sex.
I was horrified and fascinated and giggled. Stupid fever. Stupid nub fuckers.
I'm so glad I was never drunk enough to have sex with that gingy amputee. Still got a few things I can look down on.
