Fight Club and 1st Cup of Coffee

My mind is fragmented this morning. That's is not unusual. I've really been a person who doesn't complete any one thing, completely unreliable and well meaning, filled with ideas, and distracted by shiny baubles.

Today I was thinking about the words: Respect, Non-Discrimination and Compassion.

Then my thoughts were were clouded with other words like: Control, Fear, Adrenaline, Greed.

This week I watched the news and an old man's first thought about his small town gasoline spill, and it was a VERY small town, was Terrorists. I thought how the words Control and Fear played a roll in this man's life, and how the word rebel has been replaced by the word terrorist. How the word accident has been replaced by terrorist. And in the same talk he used the word God.

I watched famous people fighting for control of government power seats talking about getting back to were our country was founded on. Really?!? We were drunk, ignorant, and full of hate for women and any race not white. I must be exhausting to be that needy for power, and ALWAYS having to be working. I was so tired just watching it all, and watching the destruction of the human spirit and free thought, right in front of me. ALL the Repetition over and over and over - not even new, it had all been said before. Fuck, that's boring. They all, also used the word God.

Then I have watched the building of other churches, and people rose to claim their evil...and all I could think of was people on racks being stretched until they broke, screaming in pain and fear, soiling themselves for God, in a prior time. How we all forget that history.

So, this morning I'm still waking up, and I'm still a bit sleepy. I thought of my own favorite fight lines, from my own history.

"I don't have to take this shit from a cross-eyed mother fucker."

"Eat dirty clothes, you bitch."

"Are we really going to fight over a burrito? How do you know I don't have a gun in my Honda?"

"Well, fuck you, you fucking fuck."

"Just shut-up, you scrotum-faced only hag."

Yeah, I have known the art of a fight or two. And fights are fun. But, then coming down after the adrenaline has stopped flowing, and the shame of hurting someone else, and the self badges of honor for hurting someone else....yeah, all that. Only to really gain much of nothing permanent.

So, this morning, I'm not positive if I want to join the fights for good, like education reform, etc. OR, do I just want to stock up on bullets for myself and the day when it all crashes because of the lack of those other three words.

I just don't know if I have it in me for either....let me finish my coffee first.

Silver Spiders

If there is truly order in chaos, than that does negate the very thing. Maybe there is ONLY chaos, or maybe there is ONLY order.

I am supposed to be watching my son perform his movie, he did make us tickets, but sometimes he pretends the same...and it is so hot, and my clothes are sticking to me, my brain is a bit foggy. I am distracted by the giant spider web to my right, hanging from my three story tree. The tree was so damaged in the storm, gnarled up, I'm glad to see the spider has some use for it. I watch the spider go around and around making the web, so fast, so busy, in the humidity. She finally sits in the center and waits; her body reflecting the light, making her completely silver, as though she was her own welcoming beacon for the suicidal insects....a whisper of comfort. I was torn. I wanted to strum my finger just once or shoo a bug into her web - but the nagging fear that I would upset something halfway across the world, those theories written by madmen with OCD. Did they see the silver spider, too? And then the oil spilled for them as well?

My son fired off his gun against the insurmountable foes of our backyard. I turned my head, never seeing the spider capture anything. And the web was gone by morning. I never tested one theory, or by the nature of it, had I.