A dear friend once told me that my shit affected other people. It was the key phrase, the magic phrase that saved my life once. And sometimes it saves me over and over. Just those words: "Your shit affects other people."
I've struggled with my shit. I've struggled with other peoples' shit. This December was not different. For whatever reason I take more in than I need to. I've grown to accept for the most part that I do see things differently than most people. Oh, I'm fun to be around...in small doses.
I talk about change. Sometimes I make the small effort. But, I don't really make the big effort. I just haven't made the big effort.
Why? I'm not sure really. It's like I'm holding my breath. Waiting and holding my breath. Some people just label it depression. So people label it apathy. Blah, blah, blah.
I started giving my shit away. I started throwing my shit away. Is there some significance in that? Maybe.
This year by birthday came around. I didn't really want to celebrate it. I didn't want anyone to give me more shit. Shit that I would have to use. Or, more shit that I wouldn't use, and it would just sit around collecting dust. Man, people don't like it when you don't want to celebrate your birthday. It's a big fucking deal. Well, sometimes it's not.
And Christmas came around. I heard the phase Employee Pricing so much that I wanted to load my handgun and blow a giant hole in the T.V. set. Holy Cow!!! It was everywhere. It wouldn't stop. I don't want to bale anyone out, and I don't want to buy a pile of shit that's supposedly been cut down....it's still a pile of shit.
Come on....If we really wanted to bale people out we'd have better programs for the elderly, the homeless, the forgotten children, and the mentally disabled. That would be a bale out. But, we don't do that. So, those of you who have to get another job besides making shit cars...well, fuck you. Most of us have had to do it. Humans can learn to do more than one thing. Seriously, fuck you. You could have started making better cars in the 70's when the first big gas shortage happened, but you didn't take the clue then. So, really fuck you.
I also didn't feel sorry for the French guy who killed himself after loosing all his money. He had a hellofa' ride before he slit his wrists in his office. We'll probably loose a few more just like him. We've been top heavy for quite a while now. It won't get better until then.
I suppose this year, I realized how much stuff I buy and don't need. Christmas doesn't even feel like Christmas. It feels like a giant sale of employee prices shit. How did we go from Jesus to here. I don't want to ask myself what would Jesus do. The question should be what am I going to do. We all know what Jesus would do. Or the idea of Jesus would do. It doesn't even have to be Jesus. Pick another really super example and use that. Yes, we have come to mass produced pieces of plastic shit to remind us.
I was glad that it was the worst holiday season in thirty years. Good. Good for us. Maybe there is a ray of hope for our souls yet. Maybe there's a ray of hope for my soul yet.
Frankly, I'm embarrassed. I have embarrassed myself. Buying, collecting, having so much shit. I am truly embarrassed.
A couple of weeks ago, after this guy at work showed me an email picture that he got...It was a boob. Just a boob. He finally got an offer. Well, good for you. That was his shit, and it did effect me. Stupid. We have the Internet, and people gotta' send titties and wieners. Yep, titties and wieners. Nice.
Anyway, I went outside. It was dark, the moon was out. It was cold. I stood there and took it in. I wanted to sleep. I wanted to sleep outside, in the cold. I could build a fire. I've got dogs. I've got blankets. I could make my food right there on the fire. I wanted to sleep. Maybe my dreams would take me on better adventures than my current life would.
Then I went back inside. I went back inside to my pile of shit. I don't think that I want shit anymore.
The words of my friend ring in my ear. My other friend asked me what I was waiting for. I can do anything...so what was I waiting for. Yeah. What am I waiting for?
It's going to take me a bit to get rid of it all. But, maybe this is the year. Maybe this is the year.
Maybe this is the year.
